I volunteer……………….not for tribute, but to just walk the cute puppy!

I begin my training for dog walking at the shelter today!

I GET PUPPY LOVINGS TODAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! PUPPY LOVINGS ARE HAPPENING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OMG super excited!

I look forward to this as not only am I going to be able to have a sort of “Puppy patch” until we are able to adopt a new fur baby for our home, but I’ll also be getting training skills for when this new baby comes home. I will be getting training tips from one of best rescue organizations, Bad Rap, as they work with the shelter. All the pibbles there get training from them and since I’ve never been properly trained, as its us that need the training really, this will benefit our next baby!! Plus, I get to keep an eye out for what comes in and get a good idea of a dog’s personality to see if it will mesh with ours.

I really do miss having a dog. It kills me each time I want in the door and there isn’t a tag excitedly wagging stuff off the bookcase next to the front door. I feel lost whenever I drop something edible on the ground and there isn’t a four legged rumba waiting next to me snatch it up. I hate how quiet it is here when I’m alone. Hubby will be off to do faire on the weekends soon and I’ll be so lonely without something at the foot of the bed snoring and farting away while I draw as I watch Netflix. I can’t wait to bring home an adorable block head that just wants to snuggle with me on the couch and go for a ride in the car so they can stick their head out to smell all the smells! We picked out 2 names so far that will work for either a girl or a boy: Groot or Mongo. For now, we just can’t as it’s not the right time yet.

But until our trip to Paris, I’ll be once a week at the shelter, giving tons of my love to babies that need it.

Crafty AND adorable as hell!!

Hi my name is Strange Child, and I’m a Pintrest addict. *Hi Strange Child!*

I enjoy making things as they are in many ways similar to art projects. This is most likely a result of being raised by parents that switch art projects like they switch underwear. My childhood was filled with different kinds of art projects! Jewelry making, mask making, wood carvings, stain glass, welding, sewing, painting, cooking, decorating, whatever peaked their interests on PBS that Saturday or whatever jumped out at them at Michael’s, it ended up being added to the Overstuffed House of Crap. My dad was the one that really was the artist as he did have an art degree (photography), and was a graphic artist. This instilled in me that if I can make the thing myself, it will most likely be cheaper in the long run, AND be exactly how I wanted to look/ be.

Here’s where the Pintrest addiction takes over. I found the site and hot damn is it the best!!! I have so many art inspirations, tutorials, everything, pinned as well as recipes, hairstyles and colors to try, and things to make!! My most latest challenge to myself is in the realm of working on my rockabilly look. I recently enhanced my sunglasses for Paris to look just like a pair I came across on a pin for a hair style I liked. It was an image from the Rebel Circus Instagram that I figured was easy to recreate. Hot glue gun, a pair of cat eye sunglasses, and some beads, and voila! Here’s a side by side comparison:

Rebel Circus instagramMy version

See?! I’m crafty!! The pink ones are mine and the beautiful model on the left is from Rebel Circus, a fabulous clothing site that I recently got an awesome shirt from! Its a unicorn farting a rainbow and it reads “I poop glitter”, which was an easy sell for me.

I’m working on learning to sew too. I realize that I’m going to need to learn as I see so many outfits that I love but are just too expensive, but if I made it myself, it would fit for sure and I’d be able to continue looking awesome! For now, I’ll settle for the accessories being my thang.

Me

The Unicorn Theory and how I’m am the Unicorn that will rule us all……..or ruin the carpet.

I have been feeling TONS better lately. My trip to LA was the emotional pallet cleanser I so desperately needed, and for the past week now, since getting back, I’ve been on a roll with large mental health improvements, eating habit changes, exercising more, and just all around feeling back to a emotional state where I’m not wanting to punch the mirror because I’m convinced that I’m so disgusting and worthless, or not wanting to curl into a ball and hide in my bed until the world stops being so cruel and horrific. I’m just feeling like the sparkle is coming back to me.

Speaking of sparkling, I had this wonderful thought come across my brain last night as I was trying to sleep that acted like someone hitting the humongous gong that I swear one day I’ll own for my back yard, ya know because, WHO DOESN’T WANT TO OWN ONE OF THOSE???!!! Now, when I go to sleep sometimes, my brain suddenly kicks on. It’s SUPER annoying when I have to be up early as it hits my body like someone jabbed me in the chest with a shot of adrenaline to prevent me from dying like in “Pulp Fiction”, resulting in me wanting to leap out of bed like my ass is on fire and run to go off and do whatever inspiration that just electrified me. Can you see how this can be troublesome? I suddenly get an image of something and it STARTS SCREAMING AT ME DOITNOWDOITNOWDOITNOWDOITNOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Its…………not very relaxing.

However, some of my most brilliant ideas for art pieces happen this way. But it also acts as an emotional DING moment too, which spawned “The Unicorn Theory”, trademark pending. I am currently in the mood to revamp my look, as the Auntie Mame in me wants a new, upbeat appearance to match with the new sparkly mental fairyland I’m currently in, as well as working the angle that this will help with bettering my overall self esteem again. I love, LOVE, the rockabilly look as it flatters my body shape, and well…….I look damn fucking fine in those clothes! *SNAP* But they are super expensive, and sadly, most of the places to get them are online so I run the risk of spending money on something I can’t return. At Joann’s I found the exploding TARDIS Van Gogh image on a fabric that hasn’t been seen since I bought it so I figured this is my chance to learn to sew, but learn it from someone with more patience than my mother, who I inherited my quick to frustration patterns from that, thankfully, I’m getting better at not experiencing. I figured a simple circle skirt would work as a way to start to learn, and I found two more fabrics that are SUPER FUCKING CUTE, to also make skirts out of. For the price of one skirt online, I am able to make three that I know will fit me! It was during this thought train process of how to make my new look that the train came to a grinding halt as there was something glittery and shiny on the tracks:

A Unicorn. A beautiful, glittery, rainbow background Unicorn.

I thought to myself,………………………………I’m a unicorn. First I must explain the term itself. The term “unicorn” has many different meanings, one having condescending elements that relates to the polyamorous community but that mostly depends on who is using the term and their level of douchebaggery. My use of the word leans more on describing the person that appears to be sent from the heavens in that the unicorn is so unbelievably awesome that they have to be made of pure magic and that this outrageous amount of awesomeness makes them exquisitely unique. When I saw this unicorn on the tracks, I realized that I am that unicorn, and that I need to marvel at how awesome I really am. I started mentally presenting my argument for why I am a Unicorn, since I know that I will have to explain myself otherwise me running around saying “Hey bitches, I’m a unicorn! Respect!” will probably get me 5150’d by Hubby and that may happen one day, just not when I’m all sparkly. (You’ll have your day Hubby, just wait!)

So the list of reasons why I am not just a unicorn, but I’m The Motherfucking Ultimate Unicorn, trademark pending:

  1. I love girly things, but I am not submissive. My glittered nails won’t chip as I’m kicking someone’s ass that needs it, and I’ll probably offer them a cupcake once I’ve finished, because I’m not a savage. I’ll wear a tiara, carry a parasol, and swirl around, but condescend me and you’ll regret it.
  2. I like to Goth it up as well, so some of my rainbows will have bats and skulls nearby. I love weird spooky things like animal bones and dead things. My dream home is the Addams Family house. Creepy dolls are my current obsession.
  3. I not only will go to a strip club, but I’d pay for a lap dance for both of us, and tip well. I’d also go to a male strip club because, and here’s where I’ll freely admit it, I’m a savage.
  4. If Hubby was into sports like football, I’d support whatever team he does, wear the team colors and cheer loudly. I’d throw game parties with the most awesome food and invite all that wanted to join. I may not care for sports personally, but if that makes him happy, I’ll easily resurrect my old cheerleader days (yup, totally was a cheerleader in high school).
  5. Hubby does enjoys playing D&D, and since I grew up with an older brother that played, I am more then willing to host game nights and serve the the most awesome foods, and would entertain myself very easily as they play, sometimes acting as a sounds effect board or MS3TK from the couch. I’m witty as fuck people!
  6. I am a geek, and I’m proud of it! I love geek culture, science & science fiction, all aspects of history, pop culture, video games, movies, comics, books, and toys. I am SuperWhoLocked, as I simply can’t get enough of those shows! I love to Cosplay! I wish I had a comic con in my area, but LA took away WonderCon from the SF area (shakes geek fists of rage). I can quote Star Wars, Monty Python, Mel Brooks, and many other geek cult classic movies. I have informed Hubby that he’s going to need a walker after I’m done banging the crap out him if he gets me on the Doctor Who experience in England where I can be on the TARDIS. Seriously. He won’t be able to walk right for a week. Also, when he nerds out on me, its Niagara Falls in my underroos. Intelligence is damn fucking sexy.
  7. I am not ashamed to admit that I love sex. I am not intimidated by sex shops. Porn doesn’t bother me, as long as its not violent, as that’s just not sexy. I don’t care what someone is into, as long as its between consenting adults and doesn’t hurt anyone else. Now, for the record I’m not okay with someone just getting it on in front of me, because it just makes for an awkward moment for all of us on the BART ride home.
  8. I’m bisexual, so if you want to share in a Christina Hendricks or Ryan Reynolds fantasy, feel free. My women have curves, hips, nice racks, wacky with wit, and dripping with sophistication. My gentlemen are that: gentlemen, meaning nice suits, ties, cigars, a Manhattan drink in his hand. He’s smooth, gentle, funny, charming, and not just some douche trying to get laid or expecting me to drop my panties just because smiled.
  9. I love cigar bars. I hope that it has something I can drink there, but I’ll teach them a drink if need be. I also love high class things like fine dining or cooking, dressing up all fancy, going to art museums and listening to jazz in a club. I can slacker it up till the cows come home, but if I’m given the chance to smack myself with a Pretty Stick, I’m all over that like me on a pot brownie!
  10. I am not a religious person, but becoming a spiritual one. I don’t believe that, if there is a God, that God gives two fucks about how you praise them, just as long as you’re not a complete dick. The Golden Rule is all one needs in life, but if you believe in something differently and it gives you comfort during tough times, so be it. I will probably ask questions so that I know how to not be disrespectful to your beliefs, just don’t try to convert me or tell me that I’m wrong in what I believe. I may not share your faith, but if I’m asking you to respect my beliefs, I’m more then willing to grant the same in return.
  11. The thing that acts as the horn on my Unicorn soul are my deeply held SocialDemocratic political stances. I have tried to maintain a policy of listening to all sides, but I’ll be honest here, the conservatives that I’ve come across have tested my ability to not want to strangle a person. I have tried to remain civil, remain fact based focused, but the emotional social issues are ones that I have found to be more difficult for me to budge on. Strictly Pro-choice, Strict Equality in both gender and sexual aspects, and extremely strict on the Separation of Church and State. Just can’t budge on those things. I openly admit my feet are cemented on these opinions and can’t be talked out of them, even to the point of if someone has a problem with my beliefs on these points, getting them the hell out of my life entirely because those are the basic foundations for a civilized society to exist in. If one disconnects, the world gets super ugly.

So those are some items that make me The Motherfucking Ultimate Unicorn, in that not only do I naturally balance myself, (the irony not lost here people), to be supportive of the people around me, but I am a sparkly awesome person that fits in to almost all demographics.

I embrace my Motherfucking Ultimate Unicorn status with pride and salutes it with a hot glue gun filled with rainbow glitter glue sticks at the ready! My inner Joy is dancing around the control station at the moment as she helps Sadness put all the memory balls in their proper places.

I found my sparkle again. And damn it feels good to be a Unicorn!!

unicorn

Emotional pallet cleanser on aisle 5, Blue light special!!

My trip to LA, my old stomping grounds, was an emotional pallet cleanser that I really needed. I spent only 2 days there, seeing just a few friends there as it was Comic Con weekend and many of them were there. I got to meet a couple of the new babies that were born and they were adorable. But what acted as the pallet cleanser for me was realizing how much better I feel here in the Bay. Not just weather wise, but in so many more aspects.

The reason for my visit was to hook up with friends from high school as it’s been 20 years now and I just wanted to see a couple of them. I spoke with the ones I wanted to see back in March about visiting and everyone seemed up for it. As the date got closer, I put an invite out about where we could all hook up. Silence. Dead fucking silence from ALL of them. In the manner of 3 months, it was “It’ll be awesome to see you again and catch up!” to nothing. One person I figured was busy with her television writings so I didn’t get upset about it, just figured she was super busy. But one person provided the most interesting of realizations for me. I had been texting them, posting on their FB about getting excited to see him after all these years, commenting about meeting the new boyfriend, and even a private message. He never once told me that he was unable to meet up, because if he had, I might have been able to cancel the weekend or changed the date. So he thought it best to basically ignore me out right and then give me the silent treatment. Then there was this strange moment, about 2 weeks ago,where I shared a link to a geek toy I discovered and screamed about wanting it so badly and he responded with “You’re supposed to play with it, not eat it.

*blink blink blink” Was that a fat joke about me, to me??? WTF?!!

At first, I brushed it aside as just a silly but bad joke, but Hubby was annoyed by it and remarked how its incredibly insulting. Looking back, I should have privately messaged him about how his “joke” was very hurtful and shameful, and is something that I’m incredibly sensitive about as well as have tons of mental health issues about too. Now, I’m considering tossing him off my social radar all together as, frankly, I don’t think I should waste any more energy on trying to continue a friendship with someone that is going to continuously reject me as well as insult me in such a mean fashion. I’m too old for that bullshit, and I deserve better!

Later on, I had a moment in LA where I almost broke down crying as I went to go find a new bathing suit as my friend that I was staying with had a pool, but this thought became a body image shame-fest in my head causing me to mentally berate myself for being so hideous. It didn’t help matters that I was also surrounded by people that were very fit, as well as many being very thin. With the rejection, the weight from the grief over the losing the dogs, a visit to my folks that always results in a toxic aftermath, and now the body shaming moment, I felt low. But a song came on the radio while I was driving around and it felt like the Universe was saying, “Fuck all this shit!” It was Mary Lambert’s “Secrets“. The chorus line just seemed to pop out more to me.

“They tell us from the time we’re young,
To hide the things that we don’t like about ourselves,
Inside ourselves,
I know I’m not the only one who spent so long attempting to be someone else,
Well I’m over it”

Today, after being at the gym, I just thought to myself, I’m really over all of this. I’m done with being kicked in the face and told that I don’t matter by people that think its okay to treat me this way. I DO matter assholes! I deserve to have people around me that love me and WANT to be in my life!! I gave all of my energy to just spend a few moments, and I got spit on. Well, I’m getting back up, brushing myself off, flipping them the bird, and moving on. I’ve got people in my life now that I adore and love and want to bake things for and would actively try to save them from the zombies hordes or the gangs of rabid weasels set free from the run down insane asylum on the hill. If being a rude idiot is how one treats people, I’m not interested in what you’re selling.

stuart_smalley_Daily-Affirmations-I-am-good-enough-I-am-smart-enough-and-doggone-it-people-like-me

Boom! *drops mic*

Sometimes, its just too much, but Pixar was the hug I needed

On Friday July 3rd morning, 3 months almost to the day, we sent our beloved goofball Milo across the Rainbow Bridge to meet up with his sister Tank to pee all over the Flying Spaghetti Monster’s lawn.  Milo was 9 years old and had developed bone cancer, most likely flared up intensely by an infection. He snored so loudly as he left our world that even the vet had to shed a tear over how adorable he was. He was my first pitbull dog. He was a Mastiff pit mix that was the sweetest thing in the world. He was the living embodiment of the Cowardly Lion as he was afraid of just about everything: Balloons, bubbles, skunks having sex, the vacuum monster, and his cryptonite…….slippery floors like tiled or hardwood. He was the biggest dork and the biggest reason I’m determined to forever own a pibble. His tap dancing whenever we came home is missed heavily right now. Whenever I hear a siren, I’ll miss his howling. Whenever I vacuum, I’ll miss him running for cover. I’ll always laugh whenever I remember the times when he ate grass and he pooped and it didn’t quite pass out of him so it was hanging off his ass and his running away like his ass was on fire with this look on his face of “OH GOD GET IT OFF!! GET IT OFF!! STOP LAUGHING WOMAN!!”

MiloMilo at 3 months

My depression slammed back into me recently, and its hitting me super hard this time. I JUST got used to Tank not being around, so not having my sweet dork next to me snoring and farting in his own mouth is taking me down. I’m trying all the things I need to do to fight back, but as its been only a week, I just want to curl up in bed and hide. But I know that I can’t do that.

After we got back home that day and after I lost myself emotionally for a bit, I felt the need to get out of the house. I couldn’t handle the silence, nor could I handle the emptiness of it. I’ve never had a moment where there wasn’t a dog in my life. We would lose one, but there was always another dog waiting to snuggle my grief away. But as that both Tank and Milo were close in age based on their size, there was always a weird sense in my gut that they would both leave this world close together, but I never thought it would be THIS close. So Hubby asked me what I wanted to do. We decided to go see a movie. At first it was Jurassic World, but I was sooooooooooooooo not in the mood for death and dismemberment. Even at the hands of computer generated dinosaurs. We decided to see “Inside Out” as its Pixar and they never fail and I needed something funny and hopeful.

Yes, Pixar can destroy you but it turns around and hugs you and tells you that its okay, that there IS a rainbow on the other side of this shit mountain you are on. The “Lava” short at the beginning broke me but it was just so beautiful beyond words. But the film itself? Oh sweet lord!! The things in that film are way beyond being just a kids movie!! Seriously, the intellectual storytelling in it is astounding!! I found the relationship between Joy and Sadness to be like watching my own head on the screen. I have that constant struggle to just be happy, to focus on the positive NO MATTER WHAT battle cry in my brain all the time. I wanted to reach out to the screen and hug Sadness and invite her to join me in my Depression Blanket Fort where we can go cry and feel all the bad things in peace and hold each other knowing that neither of us are alone. I wanted to run around and play with Joy, and more importantly get her to give me her dress because I totally wanted it! The scenes of Joy dancing and ice skating in Riley’s head made me smile inside my child like heart. I just fell in love with both of them. When they get to Imagination Land I squealed with glee because I wanted to run around it and play. It was when the plot explains itself that everything just broke me, but in a good way. On the day that I lost my dog, the film was telling me that it was okay to be sad. That, yes it hurts and yes its painful, but that there is nothing wrong with me because I feel this way. That there is no shame in allowing myself to be sad.

The film makers talked about how the film came together and how they found that the one emotion they couldn’t wrap their brains around was Sadness. Why do we get sad? What is its purpose and why do we try to deny its existence? But most importantly, why do we shun it? Sadness is yelled at, told to stay in the “Sadness Circle” and told not to move or touch anything. She’s looked at like a freak and unworthy of being there as she just causes pain in Joy’s eyes. But its not until Joy sees things from Sadness’s perspective that some of the greatest joys can emerge from those sad moments. That Sadness is a natural reaction to something and that its okay to let it happen. Being in a constant state of happiness is a lie, a mask that can actually make a situation worse if you continue to deny yourself the feeling of release that Sadness can give you.

My struggles with depression have always been there. I’ve always had moments of depression and the pain that it can create. But it’s from those moments that I’ve found myself become more empathetic, and more compassionate. My art and writings allow the pain to escape the caverns of my mind so that I’m not pushing it back into the Sadness Circle. I read The Bloggess, who in many ways is so damn similar to my own weird self, and her struggles with depression have helped guide me in many ways. When she comes out here to the Bay Area for a book signing, I’ll be there to give her a hug and tell her how much she’s helped me fight back against the lies that Depression tells me. I started embracing my weirdness back in high school, but I’ve pushed much of it aside many years ago to try to “fit in”. I tried to suppress much of my quirks and mental health struggles because I was terrified of being seen as a “freak” or worse…………a crazy person that needs to be backed away from slowly while holding a mop as a defense weapon.  Relocating to the Bay Area and dealing with several bouts of depression, I think I reached a new fork in the road. My therapist has been very helpful in getting me to look at things differently and really finding ways to get a better grip when I feel on the edge. Embracing my artistic side and fueling it constantly has been the first step in letting my Freak Flag fly. But seeing that movie also sparked something new that seems to be lighting the right path for me to walk down.

I am a weird person, and here’s why. I have weird colored hair, many tattoos, a dark sense of humor, and a love of strange kooky things like skeletons and garden gnome butt plugs (his name is Tyrone and he sits on my living room shelf). I enjoy silly things like glitter, unicorns, and ridiculously girly things like tiaras and tea parties. I am almost 40 years old and I think a bounce house is one of the best inventions ever created and I’ll be DAMNED if I don’t have one for my pretty, pretty princess birthday party. I love history, especially if its just useless knowledge. I’m obsessed with pop culture as it allows me to fangirl the SHIT out of things like Supernatural, geek stuff, Lego, Disney, Doctor Who and cartoons. I can watch something and then almost repeat every moment and joke verbatim. I know ever word in “Tank Girl”, “Auntie Mame”, and “Heathers”. Ryan Reynolds is one of the sexiest thing to me mostly because he has the ability to not utter a word and be the funniest damn thing in the world! I find my husband’s “Rainman” moments where he “white boards” something technical out on an invisible board to be DEAD SEXY! Minions…………..I must have minions!!!!! I want to hug a sloth. My favorite animals are penguins, sloths and octopuses as tentacles are just the most coolest things in how they move. See? I’m totally weird! I don’t think I’ll be ashamed of myself anymore. Being weird is actually fun.

So for now I just breathe and focus on getting through each day individually. I have our trip to Paris in August and art that needs to be seen. I have committed to volunteering at the shelter so I have dogs that need loving and walkies, and later perhaps a seat on my couch. I have things to make, a gym to go to, and a world to inflict my weirdness on. Also, minions to find. Seriously. How do I get them?