My trip to LA, my old stomping grounds, was an emotional pallet cleanser that I really needed. I spent only 2 days there, seeing just a few friends there as it was Comic Con weekend and many of them were there. I got to meet a couple of the new babies that were born and they were adorable. But what acted as the pallet cleanser for me was realizing how much better I feel here in the Bay. Not just weather wise, but in so many more aspects.
The reason for my visit was to hook up with friends from high school as it’s been 20 years now and I just wanted to see a couple of them. I spoke with the ones I wanted to see back in March about visiting and everyone seemed up for it. As the date got closer, I put an invite out about where we could all hook up. Silence. Dead fucking silence from ALL of them. In the manner of 3 months, it was “It’ll be awesome to see you again and catch up!” to nothing. One person I figured was busy with her television writings so I didn’t get upset about it, just figured she was super busy. But one person provided the most interesting of realizations for me. I had been texting them, posting on their FB about getting excited to see him after all these years, commenting about meeting the new boyfriend, and even a private message. He never once told me that he was unable to meet up, because if he had, I might have been able to cancel the weekend or changed the date. So he thought it best to basically ignore me out right and then give me the silent treatment. Then there was this strange moment, about 2 weeks ago,where I shared a link to a geek toy I discovered and screamed about wanting it so badly and he responded with “You’re supposed to play with it, not eat it.”
*blink blink blink” Was that a fat joke about me, to me??? WTF?!!
At first, I brushed it aside as just a silly but bad joke, but Hubby was annoyed by it and remarked how its incredibly insulting. Looking back, I should have privately messaged him about how his “joke” was very hurtful and shameful, and is something that I’m incredibly sensitive about as well as have tons of mental health issues about too. Now, I’m considering tossing him off my social radar all together as, frankly, I don’t think I should waste any more energy on trying to continue a friendship with someone that is going to continuously reject me as well as insult me in such a mean fashion. I’m too old for that bullshit, and I deserve better!
Later on, I had a moment in LA where I almost broke down crying as I went to go find a new bathing suit as my friend that I was staying with had a pool, but this thought became a body image shame-fest in my head causing me to mentally berate myself for being so hideous. It didn’t help matters that I was also surrounded by people that were very fit, as well as many being very thin. With the rejection, the weight from the grief over the losing the dogs, a visit to my folks that always results in a toxic aftermath, and now the body shaming moment, I felt low. But a song came on the radio while I was driving around and it felt like the Universe was saying, “Fuck all this shit!” It was Mary Lambert’s “Secrets“. The chorus line just seemed to pop out more to me.
“They tell us from the time we’re young,
To hide the things that we don’t like about ourselves,
I know I’m not the only one who spent so long attempting to be someone else,
Well I’m over it”
Today, after being at the gym, I just thought to myself, I’m really over all of this. I’m done with being kicked in the face and told that I don’t matter by people that think its okay to treat me this way. I DO matter assholes! I deserve to have people around me that love me and WANT to be in my life!! I gave all of my energy to just spend a few moments, and I got spit on. Well, I’m getting back up, brushing myself off, flipping them the bird, and moving on. I’ve got people in my life now that I adore and love and want to bake things for and would actively try to save them from the zombies hordes or the gangs of rabid weasels set free from the run down insane asylum on the hill. If being a rude idiot is how one treats people, I’m not interested in what you’re selling.
Boom! *drops mic*