The Unicorn Theory and how I’m am the Unicorn that will rule us all……..or ruin the carpet.

I have been feeling TONS better lately. My trip to LA was the emotional pallet cleanser I so desperately needed, and for the past week now, since getting back, I’ve been on a roll with large mental health improvements, eating habit changes, exercising more, and just all around feeling back to a emotional state where I’m not wanting to punch the mirror because I’m convinced that I’m so disgusting and worthless, or not wanting to curl into a ball and hide in my bed until the world stops being so cruel and horrific. I’m just feeling like the sparkle is coming back to me.

Speaking of sparkling, I had this wonderful thought come across my brain last night as I was trying to sleep that acted like someone hitting the humongous gong that I swear one day I’ll own for my back yard, ya know because, WHO DOESN’T WANT TO OWN ONE OF THOSE???!!! Now, when I go to sleep sometimes, my brain suddenly kicks on. It’s SUPER annoying when I have to be up early as it hits my body like someone jabbed me in the chest with a shot of adrenaline to prevent me from dying like in “Pulp Fiction”, resulting in me wanting to leap out of bed like my ass is on fire and run to go off and do whatever inspiration that just electrified me. Can you see how this can be troublesome? I suddenly get an image of something and it STARTS SCREAMING AT ME DOITNOWDOITNOWDOITNOWDOITNOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Its…………not very relaxing.

However, some of my most brilliant ideas for art pieces happen this way. But it also acts as an emotional DING moment too, which spawned “The Unicorn Theory”, trademark pending. I am currently in the mood to revamp my look, as the Auntie Mame in me wants a new, upbeat appearance to match with the new sparkly mental fairyland I’m currently in, as well as working the angle that this will help with bettering my overall self esteem again. I love, LOVE, the rockabilly look as it flatters my body shape, and well…….I look damn fucking fine in those clothes! *SNAP* But they are super expensive, and sadly, most of the places to get them are online so I run the risk of spending money on something I can’t return. At Joann’s I found the exploding TARDIS Van Gogh image on a fabric that hasn’t been seen since I bought it so I figured this is my chance to learn to sew, but learn it from someone with more patience than my mother, who I inherited my quick to frustration patterns from that, thankfully, I’m getting better at not experiencing. I figured a simple circle skirt would work as a way to start to learn, and I found two more fabrics that are SUPER FUCKING CUTE, to also make skirts out of. For the price of one skirt online, I am able to make three that I know will fit me! It was during this thought train process of how to make my new look that the train came to a grinding halt as there was something glittery and shiny on the tracks:

A Unicorn. A beautiful, glittery, rainbow background Unicorn.

I thought to myself,………………………………I’m a unicorn. First I must explain the term itself. The term “unicorn” has many different meanings, one having condescending elements that relates to the polyamorous community but that mostly depends on who is using the term and their level of douchebaggery. My use of the word leans more on describing the person that appears to be sent from the heavens in that the unicorn is so unbelievably awesome that they have to be made of pure magic and that this outrageous amount of awesomeness makes them exquisitely unique. When I saw this unicorn on the tracks, I realized that I am that unicorn, and that I need to marvel at how awesome I really am. I started mentally presenting my argument for why I am a Unicorn, since I know that I will have to explain myself otherwise me running around saying “Hey bitches, I’m a unicorn! Respect!” will probably get me 5150’d by Hubby and that may happen one day, just not when I’m all sparkly. (You’ll have your day Hubby, just wait!)

So the list of reasons why I am not just a unicorn, but I’m The Motherfucking Ultimate Unicorn, trademark pending:

  1. I love girly things, but I am not submissive. My glittered nails won’t chip as I’m kicking someone’s ass that needs it, and I’ll probably offer them a cupcake once I’ve finished, because I’m not a savage. I’ll wear a tiara, carry a parasol, and swirl around, but condescend me and you’ll regret it.
  2. I like to Goth it up as well, so some of my rainbows will have bats and skulls nearby. I love weird spooky things like animal bones and dead things. My dream home is the Addams Family house. Creepy dolls are my current obsession.
  3. I not only will go to a strip club, but I’d pay for a lap dance for both of us, and tip well. I’d also go to a male strip club because, and here’s where I’ll freely admit it, I’m a savage.
  4. If Hubby was into sports like football, I’d support whatever team he does, wear the team colors and cheer loudly. I’d throw game parties with the most awesome food and invite all that wanted to join. I may not care for sports personally, but if that makes him happy, I’ll easily resurrect my old cheerleader days (yup, totally was a cheerleader in high school).
  5. Hubby does enjoys playing D&D, and since I grew up with an older brother that played, I am more then willing to host game nights and serve the the most awesome foods, and would entertain myself very easily as they play, sometimes acting as a sounds effect board or MS3TK from the couch. I’m witty as fuck people!
  6. I am a geek, and I’m proud of it! I love geek culture, science & science fiction, all aspects of history, pop culture, video games, movies, comics, books, and toys. I am SuperWhoLocked, as I simply can’t get enough of those shows! I love to Cosplay! I wish I had a comic con in my area, but LA took away WonderCon from the SF area (shakes geek fists of rage). I can quote Star Wars, Monty Python, Mel Brooks, and many other geek cult classic movies. I have informed Hubby that he’s going to need a walker after I’m done banging the crap out him if he gets me on the Doctor Who experience in England where I can be on the TARDIS. Seriously. He won’t be able to walk right for a week. Also, when he nerds out on me, its Niagara Falls in my underroos. Intelligence is damn fucking sexy.
  7. I am not ashamed to admit that I love sex. I am not intimidated by sex shops. Porn doesn’t bother me, as long as its not violent, as that’s just not sexy. I don’t care what someone is into, as long as its between consenting adults and doesn’t hurt anyone else. Now, for the record I’m not okay with someone just getting it on in front of me, because it just makes for an awkward moment for all of us on the BART ride home.
  8. I’m bisexual, so if you want to share in a Christina Hendricks or Ryan Reynolds fantasy, feel free. My women have curves, hips, nice racks, wacky with wit, and dripping with sophistication. My gentlemen are that: gentlemen, meaning nice suits, ties, cigars, a Manhattan drink in his hand. He’s smooth, gentle, funny, charming, and not just some douche trying to get laid or expecting me to drop my panties just because smiled.
  9. I love cigar bars. I hope that it has something I can drink there, but I’ll teach them a drink if need be. I also love high class things like fine dining or cooking, dressing up all fancy, going to art museums and listening to jazz in a club. I can slacker it up till the cows come home, but if I’m given the chance to smack myself with a Pretty Stick, I’m all over that like me on a pot brownie!
  10. I am not a religious person, but becoming a spiritual one. I don’t believe that, if there is a God, that God gives two fucks about how you praise them, just as long as you’re not a complete dick. The Golden Rule is all one needs in life, but if you believe in something differently and it gives you comfort during tough times, so be it. I will probably ask questions so that I know how to not be disrespectful to your beliefs, just don’t try to convert me or tell me that I’m wrong in what I believe. I may not share your faith, but if I’m asking you to respect my beliefs, I’m more then willing to grant the same in return.
  11. The thing that acts as the horn on my Unicorn soul are my deeply held SocialDemocratic political stances. I have tried to maintain a policy of listening to all sides, but I’ll be honest here, the conservatives that I’ve come across have tested my ability to not want to strangle a person. I have tried to remain civil, remain fact based focused, but the emotional social issues are ones that I have found to be more difficult for me to budge on. Strictly Pro-choice, Strict Equality in both gender and sexual aspects, and extremely strict on the Separation of Church and State. Just can’t budge on those things. I openly admit my feet are cemented on these opinions and can’t be talked out of them, even to the point of if someone has a problem with my beliefs on these points, getting them the hell out of my life entirely because those are the basic foundations for a civilized society to exist in. If one disconnects, the world gets super ugly.

So those are some items that make me The Motherfucking Ultimate Unicorn, in that not only do I naturally balance myself, (the irony not lost here people), to be supportive of the people around me, but I am a sparkly awesome person that fits in to almost all demographics.

I embrace my Motherfucking Ultimate Unicorn status with pride and salutes it with a hot glue gun filled with rainbow glitter glue sticks at the ready! My inner Joy is dancing around the control station at the moment as she helps Sadness put all the memory balls in their proper places.

I found my sparkle again. And damn it feels good to be a Unicorn!!

unicorn

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