Being crafty and yet…….

A recent development with an old friend is poking at me at the moment. They are in a situation that not only have I gone through, (and the advice I gave them went completely out the window), but their lifestyle is something I’m ALSO not happy with knowing all too much about. It’s poking me mentally and starting to pull at the threads of some old wounds. But, that’s what therapists are for I guess. Anyhoo……..

I’m on summer break at the moment from school and when I don’t have some sort of plan or routine to work with, my brainmeats declare war against me. War in the sense of it keeps picking me apart, poking old wounds to reopen them, and just being a general royal pain in my ass. My ass is already ENOUGH of a pain being all fabulous in its glory of awesomeness, so I figured the best thing to do is to keep myself busy, and to get some art projects I’ve been putting off done.

My pintrest addiction is assisting in this. Hey! I do NOT have a problem, I can totally quit any time. Just let me pin these last thousand pins……….

This week I did some dollar store shopping to make apothecary jars. Its ridiculously simple to make these. All you need is the following:

  • Jars (If you like upcycling, you can totally use a pickle jar)
  • Candlestick holders (make sure that the jars will be able to balance on them first)
  • spray paint (one that will work on plastics and glass are best. I picked one with a gloss finish so they’ll shine a bit)
  • draw knobs
  • E6000 glue

Steps are again, ridiculously easy.

  • Glue to knobs to the center of the tops of the jars.
  • Spray paint both the lids and the candlestick holders whatever color you wish. Let them dry completely before you do anything. I waited an entire 24 hours.
  • Glue the candlestick holders to the bottom of the jar.
  • Marvel at how amazingly talented you are!

And this was my end result:

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See??!! Ridiculously simple!!

With this first Self-Pintrest Challenge completed, I will move on to another dollar store one where I goth out the cheesy religious angel statues later. That will be a bit more tricky as it requires some delicate painting so those might end up being in the “nailed it” pile.

I’ll share any other Pintrest creations later. Have fun, try not to glue yourself to anything! Unless you are into that kind of thing. If so, kinky and do NOT send pics!

Strange Child genes are strong

Yesterday was Mother’s Day and I had a pretty decent one. I got my mom a swear word coloring book because I thought that this way she could quietly curse out my dad and make something pretty at the same time! She was confused at first but when I explained it to her, she laughed about how she didn’t think about that. See? I’m thoughtful people!

On my end, I first need to explain. Back in December of 2008, I discovered that I was pregnant. Now, both Hubby and I had already decided we did not want to be parents. My mental health stuff was always a factor but during this time I was beginning to understand all of the different layers that make up the sparkling darkness that is my demented mind. Adding a kid to this? No bueno. Also, we both admit that we are not willing to make all the sacrifices and lifestyle changes that go with being parents. We are of the opinion that there are people out there that ARE willing to, but we are not. Neither of us have “parent” instincts. We just don’t have them. We make AWESOME aunt and uncle. So when we found ourselves in this situation, we went to end it, buuuuuuuuuuuuutttttttttttttttt, turns out I was actually 6 months along. Now before you get all “Huh?” on me, I was having bleeding at the times of my period which common, was taking the pill which the doctor said probably prevented the morning sickness, and my weight hangs around my belly and had stopped exercising due to financial issues. Plus, I was using crappy tests that TOTALLY were fucking confusing and giving me, and I’m not kidding here, false negatives. Pay for the more expensive brand people is my advice to you! So here we are, with only 2 paths to go on: adoption or we’re parents. We chose adoption.

We understood how difficult it would be and we went over our decision for weeks. We knew we couldn’t give our child the life they deserved. So we set out to find a couple that could. And that’s when we found our daughter’s daddies. Best part?? They’re an interracial, interfaith couple too!! We hit the trifecta of fuck yous to the “family values” assholes! Seriously, my liberal ass STILL cackles about it!  We met with only them, no one else, as once we were in the same room with each other, we clicked. A few months later they were the proud parents of a beautiful girl, who was totally born with a mohawk. I’ve got pictures t o prove it too. They are the most adorable parents to watch, and since we’ve got an open adoption, we are still very much a part of her life. She recently asked if she could call me “mommy” and I almost lost my shit when she did it! I don’t think the Exploratorium will ever be the same for me.

Now, here’s where I get to brag, like most parents do, but mostly because she’s this beautiful combination of Hubby and me that I’m positive is going to rule the world one day. We Skype call on special times and yesterday she boasted about having her “very own library that was now spilling into the living room”, as her room was filled. Apparently, she is the living embodiment of Belle. She then showed me the Monster High doll with purple hair my parents got her for her birthday that she loves, and the Happy Ever After yearbook that she loves, because she fancies all things fantasy. Then she showed me the comic books she was reading. She also recognized that Hubby was wearing a Star Wars shirt. The geek………….it is strong in this one!! *insert maniacal laughter here* Yes!!! She’s got Hubby’s super genius brain, and my love of the weird and silly. She is a total character and ridiculously brave. Something I never was.

I know, without a doubt, that this is because of our decision. She’s being raised in an infinitely better environment than I did. I love my parents, but I’ve got mental scars from my childhood that rest heavily at their feet. Their dysfunctional relationship remains a toxic element, and I NEVER want my baby to experience that. One day, I know she’ll ask me that question, the difficult question of why. And I’ll be honest about my own flaws and that of her grandparents, but I’ll stand by our choice with my dying breath.  Because every time I see her happy little face and remember how I was at her age, all of the loneliness I felt that she’s never knowing, I am reassured we made the right one. She’s blessed with ridiculous amounts of love. This all shows that the power of both nature and nurture working in perfect harmony. I’m positive her rule over us will be fair and just, and most importantly,……………fabulous, with a dash of glitter! Here’s a photo of my adorable little monster:

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Happy Mother’s Day, from one strange child to another!

I should be studying, but,….

Its finals time again, and I’m stalling my studying to write this because I’m lazy and don’t want to. *glares at neglected studies* Stop it. Stop guilt tripping me, ya bastard! I’ll get to you in a minute!

Anyhoo, thought I’d write up something since I’ve been dealing with a few things and I figured it might be best to get it out of my overcrowded dysfunctional brainmeats before they start to go rabid and all foamy at the mouth, leaving me a twitching ball of insanity on the living room floor. I don’t really twitch mind you, more like stare blankly at the TV like a zombie that’s been neutered.

So what’s life been like recently? Well I’m glad you asked, and that you care, because one of the issues lately is another bout of depression trying to sneak its way in under the guise of “See, no one cares. I’m you’re only friend, so let my torture you with aaaaaaaaalllllllllllll the things you suck at, including this whole people loving you thing, as its so much fun!” Little fucker. I am on the hunt for a new meds doctor as my current one has moved to a far away location that I don’t think is worth driving out to for 30 minutes to just get a refill on my prescriptions that I am not sure I want to continue taking or are working properly at the moment. I don’t really agree with the ADD diagnosis and want to reevaluate that whole thing. I know I suffer from chronic bouts of depression and anxiety issues with the occasional panic attack. I don’t like how the ADD meds make me feel, I don’t think the anti-sad pills are helping as much, and I want something to help with the resurgence of the panic attacks. I also want to see if this doctor can help me get a weed card. The chocolates I have aren’t helpful ever since I had that horrific panic attack in February. Every time I’ve tried to have some, even the lowest grade in a sliver amount, triggers my panic. Hubby thinks its psychosomatic which I agree is more than likely, so I figured if I switch back to the herbal version, I might be able to get back to using it like I used to. I do find it amusing in an ironic way how the idea of going somewhere to get the card is causing me anxiety. So a giant middle finger to the useless DARE program that I was forced into taking as kid.  (Seriously, waste of time and a boring t-shirt to boot)

Hubby has a new job, again, but this one seems like it should be far more productive for him, as well as stable. He’s looking at more traveling as well, which is another reason for why I want something for the anxiety as whenever he’s gone for long periods, I become paranoid about the house getting broken into by someone, and I’m getting killed or hurt because even though I have a “dangerous pitbull” as a pet, all they have to do is bring a vacuum with them, or say they’ll give her a bath, or have some fries to distract her and I’m freaking toast! She’s not as cowardly as Milo was, but she’s just as useless of a fierce protector. I probably shouldn’t be saying any of this because now I’ve given all the bad guys a road map for how to kill me. Fuck! Uhhhhhhhh, ignore all that! She’s vicious! She’ll gnaw your face off and eat your toes! She hates fries and will laugh at your threats of vacuum monsters and evil foamy baths! Ever hear a pitbull laugh? Its terrifying! Fear her!! I’m so screwed.

Well in case I’m not killed because my ferocious pitbull is still gnawing on the bones of her enemies, I still need to deal with the depression that wants to barge its way in. I feel lonely at the moment, as I hunker down for finals and whenever Hubby is away, so I don’t tend to get out as much. I swear, I’m the living embodiment of a balancing scale of weirdness! I am introverted in that I LOVE being left alone to do whatever I feel like, watch whatever I feel like, but yet after about a few days, I crave social interaction, but don’t want to be alone in doing it. Throughout all my life, I watched as friends seemed to form tight groups with other, while I never seemed to be included. I saw them go out and have all these adventures while I was never even thought about inviting me to. They have all these moments that they tell me about, and as I’m hearing it all I can think of is “Why didn’t you call me to join you?” I feel…………..forgotten. As a got older, I figured it was fine as life made it tricky to have more free time, and the funds, to do all those things. But still…………………this continues to happen. So one begins to wonder: is it me? Am I the reason for being left out? Did I do or say something that makes people not want me around? So this kicks off the train of “Why Do I Suck” spiral of doom that leaves me crawling around in my own skin. The effects of abuse have resulted in me wanted to please everyone, to make sure that everyone loves me so that they either don’t hurt me or leave, which I’m getting better about letting go of. But this? It still remains. Its why I have such a love/hate relationship about my birthday because it always flares up strongly during that month. Lately, its been a loop in my brainmeats that if I disappeared, no one would notice I was gone. How do you shut that voice off when it continues to point out the fact that people DO leave you out? Its hard to not listen when you see an overwhelming amount of people you love all gathered together going on trips, going to events, or having parties and you were never called or asked to join in, and when YOU reach out to throw your own events, they all suddenly are busy doing other things. Being an adult sucks donkey balls, people! Especially when you’ve got brainmeats that don’t work properly!

I KNOW its childish and ridiculous to feel like this. I’m almost 40 for fuck’s sake! “Its quality, not quantity”, as Hubby tries to soothe me with. *eye roll* Stupid charming man. *sticks tongue out* I need to make more friends. Ones that art artistic, history nerds, geeks, and unicorn allies. And glitter enthusiasts! You can never have enough glitter. As Raymond Reddington said: Never underestimate the power of glitter!

*sigh* I need to get to studying. Just keep swimming, just keep swimming……….