Yesterday was Mother’s Day and I had a pretty decent one. I got my mom a swear word coloring book because I thought that this way she could quietly curse out my dad and make something pretty at the same time! She was confused at first but when I explained it to her, she laughed about how she didn’t think about that. See? I’m thoughtful people!
On my end, I first need to explain. Back in December of 2008, I discovered that I was pregnant. Now, both Hubby and I had already decided we did not want to be parents. My mental health stuff was always a factor but during this time I was beginning to understand all of the different layers that make up the sparkling darkness that is my demented mind. Adding a kid to this? No bueno. Also, we both admit that we are not willing to make all the sacrifices and lifestyle changes that go with being parents. We are of the opinion that there are people out there that ARE willing to, but we are not. Neither of us have “parent” instincts. We just don’t have them. We make AWESOME aunt and uncle. So when we found ourselves in this situation, we went to end it, buuuuuuuuuuuuutttttttttttttttt, turns out I was actually 6 months along. Now before you get all “Huh?” on me, I was having bleeding at the times of my period which common, was taking the pill which the doctor said probably prevented the morning sickness, and my weight hangs around my belly and had stopped exercising due to financial issues. Plus, I was using crappy tests that TOTALLY were fucking confusing and giving me, and I’m not kidding here, false negatives. Pay for the more expensive brand people is my advice to you! So here we are, with only 2 paths to go on: adoption or we’re parents. We chose adoption.
We understood how difficult it would be and we went over our decision for weeks. We knew we couldn’t give our child the life they deserved. So we set out to find a couple that could. And that’s when we found our daughter’s daddies. Best part?? They’re an interracial, interfaith couple too!! We hit the trifecta of fuck yous to the “family values” assholes! Seriously, my liberal ass STILL cackles about it! We met with only them, no one else, as once we were in the same room with each other, we clicked. A few months later they were the proud parents of a beautiful girl, who was totally born with a mohawk. I’ve got pictures t o prove it too. They are the most adorable parents to watch, and since we’ve got an open adoption, we are still very much a part of her life. She recently asked if she could call me “mommy” and I almost lost my shit when she did it! I don’t think the Exploratorium will ever be the same for me.
Now, here’s where I get to brag, like most parents do, but mostly because she’s this beautiful combination of Hubby and me that I’m positive is going to rule the world one day. We Skype call on special times and yesterday she boasted about having her “very own library that was now spilling into the living room”, as her room was filled. Apparently, she is the living embodiment of Belle. She then showed me the Monster High doll with purple hair my parents got her for her birthday that she loves, and the Happy Ever After yearbook that she loves, because she fancies all things fantasy. Then she showed me the comic books she was reading. She also recognized that Hubby was wearing a Star Wars shirt. The geek………….it is strong in this one!! *insert maniacal laughter here* Yes!!! She’s got Hubby’s super genius brain, and my love of the weird and silly. She is a total character and ridiculously brave. Something I never was.
I know, without a doubt, that this is because of our decision. She’s being raised in an infinitely better environment than I did. I love my parents, but I’ve got mental scars from my childhood that rest heavily at their feet. Their dysfunctional relationship remains a toxic element, and I NEVER want my baby to experience that. One day, I know she’ll ask me that question, the difficult question of why. And I’ll be honest about my own flaws and that of her grandparents, but I’ll stand by our choice with my dying breath. Because every time I see her happy little face and remember how I was at her age, all of the loneliness I felt that she’s never knowing, I am reassured we made the right one. She’s blessed with ridiculous amounts of love. This all shows that the power of both nature and nurture working in perfect harmony. I’m positive her rule over us will be fair and just, and most importantly,……………fabulous, with a dash of glitter! Here’s a photo of my adorable little monster:
Happy Mother’s Day, from one strange child to another!