First, I need to vent about the weather. Its July. In California. And I’ve had to wear a sweater for the past week. The summertime in the Bay Area is like Bizarro World, where up is down and summer is windy, overcast, and cold! Even the 4th of July was pointless of a day as the damn fog again for the 2nd year in a row, blocked EXACTLY the line of view of the fireworks. To describe it so that one can understand the visual better, it was like the Bay fog was acting as a censor bar covering up the fireworks like nudity during a news broadcast. Apparently the fog thought the fireworks were sinful and therefore needed to be forbidden from view, which much like nipples on a man, the 4th without fireworks is utterly pointless. That, and it was all super windy and that just blows. (HA! I’m a hoot!)
Well my summer plans for going through my pintrest boards has failed. I managed to get just the one thing done and few recipes tried but other than that,…………I dropped the ball. I have been a good girl with going to back to the gym and getting there at LEAST 4 times a week and working out for no less than 1 hour. I’ve even done 2 hours once! Watching old episodes of Doctor Who helps make the time go by like a snap. I can be on a treadmill for hours as long as I’ve got my Doctor to watch. I may need to switch over to Supernatural soon though. I need a bit of variety, otherwise my attention wanes while I’m on the treadmill. Plus, the TVs at the gym are set to horrid places like CNN and Faux “News”, and since I go in the early morning, there’s the horror that is the View and Price is Right. Meh. I’d just put on Netflix if the damn WiFi in the gym was remotely useful. Much like Shawn Spencer discovered, it only works in just this one spot, which isn’t around the machines I use or like using. I’m hoping that around my birthday I can afford to get my own treadmill, so that I can stop paying for the gym and workout at home. This way I can watch The Doctor and the Winchesters to my little fangirl heart’s content, or even read my homework, while I walk for a few miles. I have to figure out a way to get workouts in when school starts again. My weight is hideous. And not in a body shaming kinda way, more of a “Oh god I’m turning into my mother!” kinda way.
My mom. *sigh* Okay I need to vent about that now. I love her, but when she got diagnosed with breast cancer in 2002, that was the beginning of her fully giving up on life. She beat cancer, watched both her children get married, became a grandmother, and then she retired from nursing in 2010, and ever since then, she’s just slowly turning into an angry little hermit with bitter, occasionally racist, tendencies. She hardly leaves the house anymore, and if she does, my oh so delightful father insists on going with her. (Probably because he’s afraid of her falling, which she does a lot. That and her driving is…………….well,……bordering on being comical if not scary. She’s just bad at it. He’s no peach, what with his dashingly beautiful road rage. He really is a gem of a human at times.) Since he insists are coming with her, he then in turn spends the entire time bitching at her about how she “doesn’t need that, why are we looking at that, lets just go so you don’t spend any money, bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch”…………Again. Such a delight!! So she just gave up. She can’t really walk well anymore due to both of her knees being replaced which is now causing her to develop a hunchback from not moving as much as she should. She walks all crooked like. Oh, did I mention that she’s only 70? I’ve meet some 80 year olds that are in better shape than her. She’s been cancer free for 12 years now, managing to only need radiation treatments because she caught it extremely early. She’s a diabetic but she controls it with her diet mostly. I managed to convince her to never use any of the sugar substitutes as that only makes it worse. But she gets all HULK SMASH whenever she starts talking about all things wrong with her health, and her life. She claims to have fibromyalgia, but I question this, mostly because she only seems to “feel like crap” when other friends I know that DO have it scream about pain levels and such. I think what her real problem is that she’s clinically depressed, refuses to do anything about it, and is just waiting to die. She declared that she’s got to make it to my nephew’s bar mitzvah, then she can “check out”. Awesome. *eye roll* Oh, and I’m not supposed to do anything for her funeral either. “All my friends are dead, so is all of my family, so just do something where there isn’t any of that weeping shit.” Poetry,……….. it just rolls off her tongue with such grace folks! Dad on the other hand just wants to be put on the curb in a Hefty bag so he says he’s aiming for a Tuesday night death so he can be on the curb for morning pickup. And these very same people that call me weird for liking strange taxidermy???!!
This is my genetic people!!! My brother just shrugs and goes “That’s them” and I’m like,………but, but……………… *peels face off in frustration* *deep breath*
So when I look in the mirror lately, I see my mother. It needs to stop, so I need to do whatever I can to stop it. As The Mother of Dragons said, “I aim to break the wheel” so that this cycle doesn’t continue any further. I already know Lilymonster is already breaking several of them simply by being as far away as possible. She’s all optimist and proud, and beams with excitement that she has her own personal library in her room that’s now spilling over into the living room. (That’s my girl!!) I can’t wait to see her next month and play around with her on her home turf. As well as feel some freaking heat!!! Man I don’t get this micro-climate shit for the Bay. Still haven’t gotten used it.
Onto more positive things: ART!!!!! Managed to make two paintings so far. The one I haven’t quite finished, just needs a few more touches. But I did managed to make a semi self-portrait recently. Wasn’t intending to, but it just unfolded that way. I’m not transferring to Mills in the fall as FUCK that place is expensive!! So back to SFSU I go and hopefully, if I plan it just right, I might be able to graduate this semester. I hope. If not, then only one more for sure. This semester I’ll be taking an English class on ecology in literature, a class on the Harlem Renaissance, and hopefully two studio art classes in mediums I haven’t worked in. Provided they are still available when I can register.
I need to make art. I have to be better focused on making things once I’m done with school. I might look into getting a job at SFMOMA now that’s re-opened after school is done. Just a thought. But definitely making the process of making art a job for me and getting my stuff out there more. Mustn’t just give up and wait to die.
Break the cycles. Break them into specks of dust.
“Sometimes, ……what you’re most afraid of doing, is the very thing that will set you free.”
And make unicorn poop cookies. Because that TOTALLY needs to happen!