Summer breaks really suck honestly. Like, they suck ridiculously massive sized bowls of dicks that are sucking other bowls of dicks, which makes for a disturbing image that now is probably going to haunt my dreams later. Let’s just say, there is a lot of sucking happening here people!!
For my summer art progress, I have managed to so far make one small fluid painting, and two color pencil drawings that helped me practice with the medium a bit. I’m now working on a Fiona Apple image that goes with my Tori Amos one I’m so in love with. I’m now, more then ever, convinced that I will need to get a studio outside the house that I can treat like a job that I go to because I NEED to not be just stuck here, mentally or otherwise. Better lighting, more space, and most importantly, OUTSIDE OF THE HOUSE!!!
I’ve got a bit of the Screaming Internal Head Monkeys today. I want to scream but its only going to freak out the dog and frighten the neighbors. Whenever I’m depressed AND bored, it becomes this toxic cocktail for my inner monologue. I feel like peeling my own skin off because its just twitchy and feels like its got things crawling around inside it. Body image issues blossom into ever so delightfully annoying mean girl voices singing a chorus of all the ways in which I suck. And finally, a cherry on top of this, I have too much mental energy that’s wrestling with my physical energy which feels like a 100 ton pound boulder chained to me.
So, to provide a visual representation of what my Screaming Internal Head Monkeys are making me feel like today I give you this:
Stupid asshole brain!! Just kinda want to randomly throw things or smash something. *sigh* Having ADD and depression fucking sucks, people!!!
I’ll be starting a new medication tomorrow. Yay. I have been taking Wellbutrin for several years now but noticed it wasn’t working as well. So my doctor decided to add Lexapro to see if it will boost my mood up a bit. Three months later and it hasn’t helped any. So I’m weening off the Lexapro and onto Cymbalta to see if that will help any. Was a bit annoyed to find out that my current insurance doesn’t cover my Adderall, so I’m going to be further off of it until next month when my new insurance starts. Then I can refill the prescription without having to pay over $100 for it!! (Oh, and go fuck yourselves Big Pharma and Insurance companies. You stink.) I also had to find a new primary physician because my previous one moved to a different office which has a membership fee of $149/ year, which I didn’t see as worth paying for. So found a new doctor closer to me and we shall see how she works out. I really liked my old doctor. She was so damn easy going! Oh well, maybe this one will be just as nice.
On a more happier note, I get to Lilymonster in almost a month. AND she gets to have grandma and grandpa time!!! I can’t wait to see her be the ball of joy that I love her for. Even though it’s only for a brief few days, seeing Mom having ALL of her grandkids around her will be worth it. I wish I had time to show her Star Wars or Labyrinth or something like that, but I don’t think it will work out. Another time I suppose! I just can’t wait to hug her and see her. That’s my joy at the moment.
I can’t figure out how to end this. I don’t have any kind of witty way or glitter bomb to drop that leaves this on an up note. So instead I’ll quote Bob’s Burgers:
“I was gonna hit you, but I’m holding wine!”