Moose nipples are totally a thing

I put that title up because no one freaking reads this blog as far as I know so I’m basically talking to myself here. I could shout about the many, many ways in which barnacle porn is the new hot fetish in SF or how a hippo once saved a sea captain during a terrible storm, and no one would know about it. Because I’m essentially invisible here. So I’m declaring that Moose nipples are not actual nipples but actually a new candy that taste like Batman eating a hot fudge sundae at the county fair because no one is here to stop me!!!

For anyone that IS reading this, ……..well hi.

Since I haven’t updated in like a year, let’s dust off the year and see what’s been happening. I’m still behaving with not eating tons of crap. Managed to lose 50 lbs and keep it off so far. I changed my hair color back to dark pink so its a bit more presentable if needed. Pigby and Daisy are doing fine, both are my wonderful little snuggle bugs. Pigby got a genetic test to see what breed she is and turns out she’s a full Staffy Terrier, aka a full pibble! She’s still skinny, so we’ve increased her food intake a bit to see if that works. She’s still snorty like a pig in a truffles field, but otherwise she’s amusingly healthy! Daisy is still very stump like, but I prefer my babies tubby. That way they’re too fat to run away and leave me.

Now for the more important stuff!! I finally graduated! I’ve got a degree now!! An expensive, kinda worthless studio art/ art history bachelors degree! YAY!!!!!!! LOL! last month, I decided to throw myself into mass panic by making art my career. So far I’ve opened up an Etsy shop, published a website, sold one painting to a family member, a print of another painting to a friend, and now I’m working on getting my business license. I’m also going to try to get booths at some local fairs so that’s why I needed the license. Hubby is helping me the entire way, but I’m still in charge of posting about my stuff. God how I hate promoting myself!! It’s one giant anxiety nightmare because I am more terrified by the silence than rejection. But promote it here I have! So there’s that!

Been working on a bunch of different paintings and illustrations. Basically, I’m trying to find my path, as usual. Mentally, I’m getting better. Feeling stronger, opening up more, and working harder at not continuing bad behaviors or routines. Meds seem to be working better now, health seems okay, and not missing sugar all that much………….well not AS much. Cutting sugar and junk really has helped so its hard not to acknowledge how I REALLY need to stick to healthier eating habits. But I’m still eating pizza!! I tried a Keto crust,……..and…….no. Everything else works out fine so far.

I don’t really have a clever witty way to end this post. But do I really have to be clever to just myself? I mean, I know that I’m legit cray cray, but does amusing only myself push me further in Crazy-town? Wait, is there a place called Crazy-town???!! Do they have mini golf or skee ball there? Is it called crazy because of the town or because of the people there? How’s the WiFi? Wonder if there are pibbles there that need a good home……….

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Life moves pretty fast

Last I posted was the beginning of the year. I started my final semester, a new way of eating, and a new year in life. To quickly catch up on the state of the Strange Child, there’s been some changes.

I managed to lose 30lbs so far and the changes to my eating habits haven’t been as difficult as one would think. I didn’t realize how much of a sugar addict I was until I removed all that was “naughty” from my cupboards. I’ve experimented with substitutions for things I used as staples (rice, pasta, potatoes), to more low carb options (cauliflower “rice”, sweet potatoes) that were successful. Other substitutions, (zoodles) that didn’t work out so well. I’m feeling better, but I need to make an appointment to get new bloodwork done. For now, its continuing what I’ve been doing.

Another development recently was a new addition to the household! We adopted another dog, who’s ridiculously adorable!! She’s two years old, a pibble mix we think, and is a bit of a “special needs” dog. She was born with a deviated palette and a deformed lower jaw so her tongue hangs out all the time. She also snorts loudly like a pig, which is why we named her Pigby. She requires only a little bit of extra help in that she has to be cleaned up after when she eats or drools, so she’s like a toddler that never grows up. Daisy and her get along great, chase each other and play. We’ve taken both of them out separately into public to see how they behave and both did very well. Daisy still has this need to smell all the things, while Pigby just wants to hang out and meet people. My babies are awesome!! Here’s a couple shots of my babies:

See???!! Cuteness overload triggering brain explosions!

Beyond being covered in pibble awesomeness, I am finally done with school. I will have my Bachelor’s degree in my hand at the end of the week. My parents are coming up to celebrate this weekend, friends are joining us as well to BBQ (provided Bay Area weather isn’t too bad) and with that, I’m done.  I’ll be starting to look for work and ways to continue making art, and hopefully selling it as well. I know I’m not interested in going back to making average pay, stuck at a desk, normal hair, and covering up my tattoos for a 9-5 where yes I’m appreciated but its just meaningless.

I am tired of being invisible. I want to be seen.

The Very Bad, No Good, Terrible Summer of self wreckage & art comes to a close

This summer has been an interesting and soul searchingly hard one for me. Interesting in that I’ve spent most of it being depressed, lonely, isolated, and trying to make as much art as I could. Interesting in how I had to drop the plans of transferring to a different college to finish up my degree because it offers more studio art classes, yet the cost of the school was way beyond my financial reach, even with assistance. Interesting in that I went to gym more then I usually do and not one pound fell off my fat ass.

The Soul Searchingly Hard part was my therapist helping me accept that being without a job and/or school means I’m without a purpose which leads to me beginning to spiral. Add in isolation from not having any sort human contact, and my brainmeats turn further inward with a laser-like focus on every single one of my flaws completely the Spiral of Self Destruction that I am so unbelievably talented at! Seriously, I win the gold medal in this sport!

So where does that leave me as this summer comes to an end and another semester is set to begin at the end of the month? It leaves me feeling a bit of the weight off my shoulders in that I know another of my limitations and have a general idea of what I need to do to fix it. I have at least these last two semesters left to complete my degree, which should be this time next year fully graduated with a BA in Studio art with a minor in Art History. Provided I factored in all of the classes correctly. We’ll see. And in July I’ll be working on my parents 50th wedding anniversary party right after school is done, so in way, I’ll have a job right out the gate to work on for 2 months. After that? That’s where things need to be planned out before that in some fashion.

Hubby suggested that I have two options for myself at that point. I could find any sort of job, even a part time one, and do my art on the side like a hobby. My paychecks can be 100% used to pay off my school loan, making the debt go down faster than it might if I wasn’t working. He expects to be making more then he is now so we’ll have a bit more coming in that we can also look into me renting a small art studio outside of the house, where I treat it like going to an office every day. I could even look into sharing it with someone. There, I’m not worrying about doing damage to the place too much like at home, which means I can go crazy in the place. I could even find one that will let me bring Daisy with me, so she’s getting out of the house during the day, and there wouldn’t be anything there that could distract me like the TV. He tells me that he doesn’t care what I do, as long and I do not do what I’ve been doing………..ripping myself apart internally until I break.

For now I just make things, get through my next semester, dig through the bullshit in my brainmeats to find the good, learn new things, and live life. One of my most recent paintings I did was inspired by most favorite artists Vincent Van Gogh. I didn’t draw it out first, I was messy with painting it, and I concentrated on my love of his art in my mind while I worked. I’ll fully admit, Doctor Who is what got me more interested in his work. But it was in learning about him that I found a connection to him as person. We see the world in similar ways in that the world around us is beautiful, even in the most simplest things like sunflowers or the night’s sky. A few days, I’ll be standing in front of his most famous of works, Starry Night (1893) and I’ll probably break down crying while I stare into its mastery. When Van Gogh painted that image, he was in the asylum in Saint Remy, after having cut off his ear in a hysterical fit. A fit which many including myself theorize was brought on by Paul Gauguin’s perceived “abandonment” of Vincent when the two’s friendship dissolved and Paul left town. He wasn’t allowed to paint at night in the hospital so he worked during the day based on memory of the previous night’s sky. Vincent wrote letters during that time about how he much preferred how the night sky looked, how it moved, how it glistened with life much more than daylight. That painting is Vincent Van Gogh’s soul at that moment in his life. To see it in person,……………I will most certainly need a moment people. So, I did a painting to pay homage to my beloved Vincent:

van gogh

Hubby was gobsmacked when he saw it. He actually said, “Don’t be offended, but I think it’s your best one”. There was a small part of me, I call her Veruca, that was irked a bit by him as she was all “So you’re saying the rest of my stuff is crap, eh?!” But I kicked her and she quieted down. Of all the paintings I did this summer, I’ll admit this is my favorite one. I want to try to do more like it. I signed up for the painting class this semester so we’ll see how that goes. The interesting part will be along with that, my other studio art class is a conceptual one. I’m hoping that during this semester I find a bit more of my artistic voice. I need it right now.

So once more, I find myself crawling out of my own wreckage. I am almost at the point of dusting myself off and straightening my hair bow with a sense of “I’m gonna rock this bitch” attitude. For now, its me gearing up for our vacation trip to see Lilymonster this week. Art, food, and love. Oh, and I might get lucky and get into a taping of the Daily Show!!! Tonight however, I get to live out a teenage missed opportunity. I’m seeing Guns and Roses live tonight! \m/ !! Small things of joy allow for the bigger things to come through.

Oh hey! I have a blog! I really need get back to doing this.

First and foremost, I must give myself my own damn shout-out. I’m currently in mid-terms for my last semester at SF State. I checked on my Western Art History results and I got a perfect score, 50 out of 50!

mic drop 2

I….am….a bad ass! *does goofy twerk dance that should NEVER been done in public because it’t really sad more than anything*

I won’t know about my Queer Art History class until after spring break, which I currently am enjoying!

I really need this break. I’ve been having a really tough time lately mentally. After having a bad experience back in mid February, my panic and anxiety attacks popped back up with a vengeance because, let’s be honest, when one is under normal stress what they REALLY need is that minty fresh scent of panic and anxiety to make things all awesome and shit! For about a week I was having constant issues with getting to sleep where I was having the same fear over and over again,…..if I fall asleep, I will die, so not only was my normal random insomnia there, but now there was sprinkles of my death lingering in my head!! It’s like,…..having to eat the driest meatloaf known to all of mankind, but all I had to drink in order to choke it down is grape flavored NyQuil! My chest would occasionally tighten up like an elephant was sitting on me. Frakking damn panic elephant! At the moment, I have just suck it up and deal as Hubby was laid off at the beginning of the month, but found a new, better job a week later. which means we lost our insurance for this month. So, no therapy sessions to help me get through it and no ability to get some temporary prescription help either. And my special chocolate sometimes makes the anxiety worse depending on which one I use. So………..yay. With this spring break, I can relax a bit and not feel like I’m running out of time constantly. Hubby also told me to go get a massage treatment as that does help get the muscles all bound up from freaking out constantly to calm the fuck down. A beautiful spa day for little ol’ me? BEST HUSBAND EVER!!

On Monday, my daughter turns 7 years old. Lost story short:

Found out I was pregnant 6 months in. (Again, long story and I’m shortening it) We’re not parenting people so we made the decision to find a couple that are. We did, and her daddies are the best thing that has ever happened and give her the life that we know we would not be able to.

She’s ridiculously adorable, undoubtedly a result of my own cute genes, and she’s freaking unstoppable in her brains, the gift from her father’s own genius genes. I found the perfect gift for her this year and I can’t wait to see how she likes it. She’s my solid ground for whenever I get really low. I never want to see her in pain and that constant reminder is the rope that I cling to whenever I get too close to the edge. I want to see her get old. I want to have conversations with her like Lorilali and Rory Gilmore. I never want to see her feel that pain that comes with loss. So, I cling to thoughts of her and I pull myself up.

For the next week, I’ll try to make some art as I haven’t done so in awhile and its making my skin crawl which is never a good thing.

I’m about to be edumacated!!

I start SFSU in a week or so. I’m still waiting for FA to help pay for those courses and my books because frankly, I’m too po to afford any of it right now. *glares at bank account* I’m nervous as hell because I’ve ALREADY had to change a course because the teacher yanked me out due to my lack of having taken any other Women’s Gender Studies courses. The class is set up as a GE course, that covers one of the Upper Division course requirements as well as satisfies THREE of the overlay requirements so completing that one class clears up at least one extra semester for me to take! I’d be done with my degree much faster, but because the course isn’t set up in the system to prevent one from taking a class that they don’t meet the requirements for, it wastes everyone’s time and lets you sign up only to be booted out a week before classes start!!

Brilliant, I know, right?????

Luckily, the class I also need to take but didn’t sign up for due to it being at the same time as the other course, was still open so I snagged a seat for that one. Crisis averted before there was going to be one FTW!!!!

I also pulled up the forms for me to keep track of my progress as well as create a road map for the future semesters to continue the trend of getting this done as fast as possible with as little cost as possible. Gotta love finding out that NONE of my art history courses I’ve taken are transferable!! *tosses confetti* So I need at least 2 3 unit courses to meet my lower division requirement. *grumbles obscenities* You’d think the Intro to Art History would but alas it doesn’t, which of course makes ZERO FUCKING SENSE!!!! *deep breath*

In other news, my dad sent me a belated Christmas present as it wasn’t on sale until recently so he was able to get really cheap. He sent me one of the super sweet professional grade easels! I can now paint on canvases that are over 4 feet!! I need to put rollers on the bottom so it can move around easier as well as perhaps raise it up a bit, but its fucking awesome!!! I’m not taking any art classes this semester since there will be a bunch of reading and writing I’ll have to be doing and won’t really have time to focus on pieces. I do have ideas in mind for what to work on when I DO have time. Just need to save up for the supplies as I’m running dry on paint and need better brushes and the most important part: something to paint on!

I also need to go to a museum soon or the zoo as I haven’t taken many photos lately and I need to GET OUT OF MY FUCKING HOUSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!