Screaming Internal Head Monkeys would make a great band name!

Summer breaks really suck honestly. Like, they suck ridiculously massive sized bowls of dicks that are sucking other bowls of dicks, which makes for a disturbing image that now is probably going to haunt my dreams later. Let’s just say, there is a lot of sucking happening here people!!

For my summer art progress, I have managed to so far make one small fluid painting, and two color pencil drawings that helped me practice with the medium a bit. I’m now working on a Fiona Apple image that goes with my Tori Amos one I’m so in love with. I’m now, more then ever, convinced that I will need to get a studio outside the house that I can treat like a job that I go to because I NEED to not be just stuck here, mentally or otherwise. Better lighting, more space, and most importantly, OUTSIDE OF THE HOUSE!!!

I’ve got a bit of the Screaming Internal Head Monkeys today. I want to scream but its only going to freak out the dog and frighten the neighbors. Whenever I’m depressed AND bored, it becomes this toxic cocktail for my inner monologue. I feel like peeling my own skin off because its just twitchy and feels like its got things crawling around inside it. Body image issues blossom into ever so delightfully annoying mean girl voices singing a chorus of all the ways in which I suck. And finally, a cherry on top of this, I have too much mental energy that’s wrestling with my physical energy which feels like a 100 ton pound boulder chained to me.

So, to provide a visual representation of what my Screaming Internal Head Monkeys are making me feel like today I give you this:
giphy

Stupid asshole brain!! Just kinda want to randomly throw things or smash something. *sigh* Having ADD and depression fucking sucks, people!!!

I’ll be starting a new medication tomorrow. Yay. I have been taking Wellbutrin for several years now but noticed it wasn’t working as well. So my doctor decided to add Lexapro to see if it will boost my mood up a bit. Three months later and it hasn’t helped any. So I’m weening off the Lexapro and onto Cymbalta to see if that will help any. Was a bit annoyed to find out that my current insurance doesn’t cover my Adderall, so I’m going to be further off of it until next month when my new insurance starts. Then I can refill the prescription without having to pay over $100 for it!! (Oh, and go fuck yourselves Big Pharma and Insurance companies. You stink.) I also had to find a new primary physician because my previous one moved to a different office which has a membership fee of $149/ year, which I didn’t see as worth paying for. So found a new doctor closer to me and we shall see how she works out. I really liked my old doctor. She was so damn easy going! Oh well, maybe this one will be just as nice.

On a more happier note, I get to Lilymonster in almost a month. AND she gets to have grandma and grandpa time!!! I can’t wait to see her be the ball of joy that I love her for. Even though it’s only for a brief few days, seeing Mom having ALL of her grandkids around her will be worth it. I wish I had time to show her Star Wars or Labyrinth or something like that, but I don’t think it will work out. Another time I suppose! I just can’t wait to hug her and see her. That’s my joy at the moment.

I can’t figure out how to end this. I don’t have any kind of witty way or glitter bomb to drop that leaves this on an up note. So instead I’ll quote Bob’s Burgers:

“I was gonna hit you, but I’m holding wine!”

 

The final stretch of winter freedom

Next week school starts again and my brain couldn’t be happier to be functionally active. Well, other than functioning as the internal voice of Damien high on his own ego and out for blood. Man, I seriously can NOT handle being without something to do!! Hubby being gone last week was yet another shiny example of how I’d fail miserably at being single. I barely left the house during that week. I did work on my elements paintings but I really only got one 95% done and started another one. I’m hoping to work more on them later in the week, but if its all crappy outside and the bed turns into “comfy bed”, its going to be damn difficult to drag my carcass out of the dreamy soft warmth. Well not too hard. Daisy’s dead weight of sleep will act as the forklift of momentum to get up as the pain of her awkward snuggling murders my back. That…….and the need to pee.

I have been making more digital collages lately. I am freaking in love with making these. I’m getting better at understanding how to use Photoshop by doing what I usually do in order to learn a program. A little technique I call “Button Smash”!! Basically, its just me hitting random features a bunch of different ways until I figure out how it works. This monkey doesn’t need expensive books to learn things! Youtube tutorials sometimes, but Button Smash is the best way to understand something complicated!! Poke something repetitively and eventually you figure out how to do it right. Just learn to love the “undo” feature with all your heart and soul, and all will be right in the world! Most of what I’ve done I put up on my Facebook page but like most addictive things, I’ll give the first taste for free.

family-tripmean-girls

Not too bad, right? Not perfect but I think that actually makes things more,………authentic I guess is the word. Like, if these were made from real physical images there would be flaws so having the digital versions being not absolutely perfectly put together makes them feel more real to me. I’m learning as I go along. Trying to build up a stockade of images to use too. Trying to be mindful to use more retro images or stock photos so as to not be a jackass. If I DO get contacted by someone, I’ll amend the image or just remove it all together. I actually prefer the retro/vintage stuff anyway. (its already ridiculous in appearance on their own) I get to build surreal universes!!! A world of nonsense all the my fingertips and click of a mouse! And it’s not porn!!!!!

When school starts, I’ll feel a bit better probably. The brainmeats will quiet down a bit so my depression will roll back somewhat. I’m also getting a home gym this month so that I can come home from school each day and workout. That should help since exercise is supposed to, but sweating makes me more angry than happy. Damn I miss my old gym in LA where I had a steam room to sit in! I don’t care for a sauna all that much but a steam room was just so freaking awesome! Its a big bowl of donkey dicks that I can’t seem to find a gym close to my house that has one. *kicks dirt* Stupid gyms. So I’ll have a gym at home to stare me directly in the face, and therefore, absolutely ZERO excuse for doing something! I turn 40 this year and I hate how I look. I need to do something, mostly so that I can once again be able to take a photo of myself without wanting to hide in some Cavern of Sadness forever. I’m broken, so its time to start gluing pieces back together.

Winter break update

I haven’t had a chance to do any writing recently but I’ve finally got a moment to get some of the buzzing around in my head out.
First a quick school update:
Hooray! Another semester is done and this blog can go back to being about my normal shenanigans. I am beyond glad that this semester is over because the stress it caused me along with the crap fest that 2016 was made going to school feel like a trek through the Swamp of Sadness. Only 2 more left until I have my degree.

Now, onto the State of Strange Child:
Ugh. 2016 was such a royal bitch wasn’t it?! Losing John so suddenly was difficult as being so distant I felt helpless. I wanted to jump on a plane and run out there to be there for her and her daddy. But I couldn’t. I couldn’t even make it out for the memorial because of school. The depression from the summer break didn’t quite go away either. It lingered like a fart in the air. I was constantly feeling like a failure and that I was grasping at straws to get stuff done. I got B’s in both of my general ed classes and it STILL bugs me that I see this as a fail. I feel like I busted my ass in both of those classes yet I didn’t excel like I normally do. (Stupid ADD brain) That’s another thing that’s getting to me. I may need to have my meds adjusted as I feel, …….off. I want to do a billion things, but don’t have enough time to get it all done. So many art projects, cooking ideas, exercise I need to do, books to read, movies to watch, etc. Just not enough hours in the day. Plus Hubby will pout about missing me.
I really miss being able to have weed too. Ever since that horrific experience in February, I’ve stayed away from it because I’m terrified of it happening again. But I desperately miss that warm glowing feeling it gave me that allowed me to just relax and be in the moment. I would feel so happy and carefree. I get that way when I’m buzzed on booze, but the hangover is horrific. With weed I wake up the next day totally chill and ridiculously well rested. Hubby is annoyed that I haven’t gotten my card yet. Says I just need to “vagina up” and do it. He even told me about some mobile app that would allow me to do it over the phone. I am just terrified of doing it. I know its easy, and that its not that big of a deal, but the thought of me having to go into one of the offices to get one of the cards paralyzes me for some reason. I  just want to feel that moment of fuzzy happiness where I just don’t give a shit about anything other than laughing and having something tasty. Hell, when I had some while Hubby was away on business to help keep me calm while I’m all by myself I’d draw up a storm! I’d throw something on Netflix on, sit on the bed, draw while sort of paying attention, and then look up to realize that it was 2am. He’s going on another trip soon. It’d be nice if I could be able to have that again.

I should write here more often I know. Especially about my art. I have gotten better with my painting. This semester I learned how to better do the fluid painting so I’ll be able to play with that more efficiently where I’m not blowing through paint like before. I also learned how to do transfers so now when I draw something, I don’t have to try to recreate it again onto the canvas, I can just trace it with transfer paper! Saves my mental health so damn much learning this!!!!! Also, I learned how to do digital collages in Photoshop! Oh sweet Chuck I love doing those!! I will need to learn more about Photoshop so I think I’ll try to find some sort of tutorial book so that I can really get good at them. Next semester I’m playing with ceramics again so perhaps I’ll be able to make some cool things there too. For now, I’m working on a 4 painting series of the four elements: fire, water, air and water. Got them all drawn onto the canvases and ready to paint. I hope to have those done by the end of next week. I’m hoping to do at least one drawing every night that Hubby is gone to keep my skills up. I feel like I’m slacking in that area right now.

A new year. It already is going to be hard considering the state of the US being run by an orange shitgibbon with a super sensitive ego and congress of jackasses. But then again, maybe we need this shit fest in order to better ourselves. Who knows. I just want to make pretty things, watch Star Wars, laugh, and learn new things.

Sometimes, its just too much, but Pixar was the hug I needed

On Friday July 3rd morning, 3 months almost to the day, we sent our beloved goofball Milo across the Rainbow Bridge to meet up with his sister Tank to pee all over the Flying Spaghetti Monster’s lawn.  Milo was 9 years old and had developed bone cancer, most likely flared up intensely by an infection. He snored so loudly as he left our world that even the vet had to shed a tear over how adorable he was. He was my first pitbull dog. He was a Mastiff pit mix that was the sweetest thing in the world. He was the living embodiment of the Cowardly Lion as he was afraid of just about everything: Balloons, bubbles, skunks having sex, the vacuum monster, and his cryptonite…….slippery floors like tiled or hardwood. He was the biggest dork and the biggest reason I’m determined to forever own a pibble. His tap dancing whenever we came home is missed heavily right now. Whenever I hear a siren, I’ll miss his howling. Whenever I vacuum, I’ll miss him running for cover. I’ll always laugh whenever I remember the times when he ate grass and he pooped and it didn’t quite pass out of him so it was hanging off his ass and his running away like his ass was on fire with this look on his face of “OH GOD GET IT OFF!! GET IT OFF!! STOP LAUGHING WOMAN!!”

MiloMilo at 3 months

My depression slammed back into me recently, and its hitting me super hard this time. I JUST got used to Tank not being around, so not having my sweet dork next to me snoring and farting in his own mouth is taking me down. I’m trying all the things I need to do to fight back, but as its been only a week, I just want to curl up in bed and hide. But I know that I can’t do that.

After we got back home that day and after I lost myself emotionally for a bit, I felt the need to get out of the house. I couldn’t handle the silence, nor could I handle the emptiness of it. I’ve never had a moment where there wasn’t a dog in my life. We would lose one, but there was always another dog waiting to snuggle my grief away. But as that both Tank and Milo were close in age based on their size, there was always a weird sense in my gut that they would both leave this world close together, but I never thought it would be THIS close. So Hubby asked me what I wanted to do. We decided to go see a movie. At first it was Jurassic World, but I was sooooooooooooooo not in the mood for death and dismemberment. Even at the hands of computer generated dinosaurs. We decided to see “Inside Out” as its Pixar and they never fail and I needed something funny and hopeful.

Yes, Pixar can destroy you but it turns around and hugs you and tells you that its okay, that there IS a rainbow on the other side of this shit mountain you are on. The “Lava” short at the beginning broke me but it was just so beautiful beyond words. But the film itself? Oh sweet lord!! The things in that film are way beyond being just a kids movie!! Seriously, the intellectual storytelling in it is astounding!! I found the relationship between Joy and Sadness to be like watching my own head on the screen. I have that constant struggle to just be happy, to focus on the positive NO MATTER WHAT battle cry in my brain all the time. I wanted to reach out to the screen and hug Sadness and invite her to join me in my Depression Blanket Fort where we can go cry and feel all the bad things in peace and hold each other knowing that neither of us are alone. I wanted to run around and play with Joy, and more importantly get her to give me her dress because I totally wanted it! The scenes of Joy dancing and ice skating in Riley’s head made me smile inside my child like heart. I just fell in love with both of them. When they get to Imagination Land I squealed with glee because I wanted to run around it and play. It was when the plot explains itself that everything just broke me, but in a good way. On the day that I lost my dog, the film was telling me that it was okay to be sad. That, yes it hurts and yes its painful, but that there is nothing wrong with me because I feel this way. That there is no shame in allowing myself to be sad.

The film makers talked about how the film came together and how they found that the one emotion they couldn’t wrap their brains around was Sadness. Why do we get sad? What is its purpose and why do we try to deny its existence? But most importantly, why do we shun it? Sadness is yelled at, told to stay in the “Sadness Circle” and told not to move or touch anything. She’s looked at like a freak and unworthy of being there as she just causes pain in Joy’s eyes. But its not until Joy sees things from Sadness’s perspective that some of the greatest joys can emerge from those sad moments. That Sadness is a natural reaction to something and that its okay to let it happen. Being in a constant state of happiness is a lie, a mask that can actually make a situation worse if you continue to deny yourself the feeling of release that Sadness can give you.

My struggles with depression have always been there. I’ve always had moments of depression and the pain that it can create. But it’s from those moments that I’ve found myself become more empathetic, and more compassionate. My art and writings allow the pain to escape the caverns of my mind so that I’m not pushing it back into the Sadness Circle. I read The Bloggess, who in many ways is so damn similar to my own weird self, and her struggles with depression have helped guide me in many ways. When she comes out here to the Bay Area for a book signing, I’ll be there to give her a hug and tell her how much she’s helped me fight back against the lies that Depression tells me. I started embracing my weirdness back in high school, but I’ve pushed much of it aside many years ago to try to “fit in”. I tried to suppress much of my quirks and mental health struggles because I was terrified of being seen as a “freak” or worse…………a crazy person that needs to be backed away from slowly while holding a mop as a defense weapon.  Relocating to the Bay Area and dealing with several bouts of depression, I think I reached a new fork in the road. My therapist has been very helpful in getting me to look at things differently and really finding ways to get a better grip when I feel on the edge. Embracing my artistic side and fueling it constantly has been the first step in letting my Freak Flag fly. But seeing that movie also sparked something new that seems to be lighting the right path for me to walk down.

I am a weird person, and here’s why. I have weird colored hair, many tattoos, a dark sense of humor, and a love of strange kooky things like skeletons and garden gnome butt plugs (his name is Tyrone and he sits on my living room shelf). I enjoy silly things like glitter, unicorns, and ridiculously girly things like tiaras and tea parties. I am almost 40 years old and I think a bounce house is one of the best inventions ever created and I’ll be DAMNED if I don’t have one for my pretty, pretty princess birthday party. I love history, especially if its just useless knowledge. I’m obsessed with pop culture as it allows me to fangirl the SHIT out of things like Supernatural, geek stuff, Lego, Disney, Doctor Who and cartoons. I can watch something and then almost repeat every moment and joke verbatim. I know ever word in “Tank Girl”, “Auntie Mame”, and “Heathers”. Ryan Reynolds is one of the sexiest thing to me mostly because he has the ability to not utter a word and be the funniest damn thing in the world! I find my husband’s “Rainman” moments where he “white boards” something technical out on an invisible board to be DEAD SEXY! Minions…………..I must have minions!!!!! I want to hug a sloth. My favorite animals are penguins, sloths and octopuses as tentacles are just the most coolest things in how they move. See? I’m totally weird! I don’t think I’ll be ashamed of myself anymore. Being weird is actually fun.

So for now I just breathe and focus on getting through each day individually. I have our trip to Paris in August and art that needs to be seen. I have committed to volunteering at the shelter so I have dogs that need loving and walkies, and later perhaps a seat on my couch. I have things to make, a gym to go to, and a world to inflict my weirdness on. Also, minions to find. Seriously. How do I get them?