Life moves pretty fast

Last I posted was the beginning of the year. I started my final semester, a new way of eating, and a new year in life. To quickly catch up on the state of the Strange Child, there’s been some changes.

I managed to lose 30lbs so far and the changes to my eating habits haven’t been as difficult as one would think. I didn’t realize how much of a sugar addict I was until I removed all that was “naughty” from my cupboards. I’ve experimented with substitutions for things I used as staples (rice, pasta, potatoes), to more low carb options (cauliflower “rice”, sweet potatoes) that were successful. Other substitutions, (zoodles) that didn’t work out so well. I’m feeling better, but I need to make an appointment to get new bloodwork done. For now, its continuing what I’ve been doing.

Another development recently was a new addition to the household! We adopted another dog, who’s ridiculously adorable!! She’s two years old, a pibble mix we think, and is a bit of a “special needs” dog. She was born with a deviated palette and a deformed lower jaw so her tongue hangs out all the time. She also snorts loudly like a pig, which is why we named her Pigby. She requires only a little bit of extra help in that she has to be cleaned up after when she eats or drools, so she’s like a toddler that never grows up. Daisy and her get along great, chase each other and play. We’ve taken both of them out separately into public to see how they behave and both did very well. Daisy still has this need to smell all the things, while Pigby just wants to hang out and meet people. My babies are awesome!! Here’s a couple shots of my babies:

See???!! Cuteness overload triggering brain explosions!

Beyond being covered in pibble awesomeness, I am finally done with school. I will have my Bachelor’s degree in my hand at the end of the week. My parents are coming up to celebrate this weekend, friends are joining us as well to BBQ (provided Bay Area weather isn’t too bad) and with that, I’m done.  I’ll be starting to look for work and ways to continue making art, and hopefully selling it as well. I know I’m not interested in going back to making average pay, stuck at a desk, normal hair, and covering up my tattoos for a 9-5 where yes I’m appreciated but its just meaningless.

I am tired of being invisible. I want to be seen.

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Projects, projects, projects, keeps the insanity away!

Another semester is down and only one left to go! This one was pretty light in the way of work, but the stress was most certainly there. Hit a financial snag right at the start of it, thanks to the actions of a sick individual that I’d LOVE nothing more than to see ripped apart by a pack of starving crazed weasels with rabies. (Karma, come on! I believe its your turn up to bat, buddy!) The ceramics class was fun, frustrating, but cool to play with. I ended up with half a bag of clay left over so I’ll have to figure out what to do with, as well as how to fire it.

Drawing class was extremely frustrating, but I did however get to learn how to use color pencils better and THAT has inspired a massive urge to play with them more. The final assignment was to do a photo copy replica of an image based on other artists who work with color pencils. I picked an image of one of my obsessions, Tori Amos. I discovered her music in 1994, right at a time when I was trying to block out all of things that were tearing me apart. Her music got me through some of my toughest moments; moments when I was so close to not surviving them. Her songs were like the caring hugs that I needed during those times. When I turned 21, I got the piano notes of one of her songs tattooed on my right ankle with her favorite flowers wrapped around the notes. (Side note: Fiona Apple has also become just as important as Tori to me. Her stuff has been the rope I grab onto during dark moments. I plan on getting one of her songs tattooed on the other ankle) So when I needed to do a photo to draw, she was the first thing that came to mind. I chose an older image of Tori from around the time I discovered her to do as I figured it was fitting. It turned out amazing in my opinion. Several people in class mentioned how much they thought it looked good, and because of it I want to do more drawing like it. Here’s the image for all to enjoy. (Or at least those that actually read this blog.)
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I think I did an amazing job, so I don’t care what anyone else says. Its my first time working with color pencils and I got a chance to understand how to color properly. Over the summer break, one of my personal tasks is to do at least three of these so that I can practice.

Speaking of summer plans, the scheduling of projects has begun so that I don’t lose my mind. I think I’m going to actually print up a work schedule so that I can stick to a routine, which always makes for a less crazy Strange Child! I’ve got my parents 50th in July, so I’ve got some crafting decorations to make. The projects I want to work on are as follows:
Finish my four elements paintings
3 Color pencil drawings
Sewing practice
New front door wreath
Eye flower bouquets
art studio organization
Random abstract artworks
clitoris sculpture for cousin

I will have to also schedule in workouts, getting out of the house (maybe even with Daisy), and hopefully some reading. The sewing practice is to help me prepare for the Doctor Who convention that we’ll be going to in February. I need to plan and make my costumes I want to cosplay. So excited for that! Hubby is also going to cosplay! EEEEEEEE! (happy dance) I’m going to have to make a dress form which I’m not looking forward to. (Oh yay, I get to look at a physical sculpture of my fat carcass.) I want to attempt a dress at the very least. I can get through a circle skirt so far, and I’ve got some throw pillows that need to be finished, but if I can manage a dress I’m gold!

So many projects!! Hopefully I will be able to be too busy to let the brain demons attack me. I don’t want to sink, so I’m laying out the ropes before the water gets too high.

I should be studying, but,….

Its finals time again, and I’m stalling my studying to write this because I’m lazy and don’t want to. *glares at neglected studies* Stop it. Stop guilt tripping me, ya bastard! I’ll get to you in a minute!

Anyhoo, thought I’d write up something since I’ve been dealing with a few things and I figured it might be best to get it out of my overcrowded dysfunctional brainmeats before they start to go rabid and all foamy at the mouth, leaving me a twitching ball of insanity on the living room floor. I don’t really twitch mind you, more like stare blankly at the TV like a zombie that’s been neutered.

So what’s life been like recently? Well I’m glad you asked, and that you care, because one of the issues lately is another bout of depression trying to sneak its way in under the guise of “See, no one cares. I’m you’re only friend, so let my torture you with aaaaaaaaalllllllllllll the things you suck at, including this whole people loving you thing, as its so much fun!” Little fucker. I am on the hunt for a new meds doctor as my current one has moved to a far away location that I don’t think is worth driving out to for 30 minutes to just get a refill on my prescriptions that I am not sure I want to continue taking or are working properly at the moment. I don’t really agree with the ADD diagnosis and want to reevaluate that whole thing. I know I suffer from chronic bouts of depression and anxiety issues with the occasional panic attack. I don’t like how the ADD meds make me feel, I don’t think the anti-sad pills are helping as much, and I want something to help with the resurgence of the panic attacks. I also want to see if this doctor can help me get a weed card. The chocolates I have aren’t helpful ever since I had that horrific panic attack in February. Every time I’ve tried to have some, even the lowest grade in a sliver amount, triggers my panic. Hubby thinks its psychosomatic which I agree is more than likely, so I figured if I switch back to the herbal version, I might be able to get back to using it like I used to. I do find it amusing in an ironic way how the idea of going somewhere to get the card is causing me anxiety. So a giant middle finger to the useless DARE program that I was forced into taking as kid.  (Seriously, waste of time and a boring t-shirt to boot)

Hubby has a new job, again, but this one seems like it should be far more productive for him, as well as stable. He’s looking at more traveling as well, which is another reason for why I want something for the anxiety as whenever he’s gone for long periods, I become paranoid about the house getting broken into by someone, and I’m getting killed or hurt because even though I have a “dangerous pitbull” as a pet, all they have to do is bring a vacuum with them, or say they’ll give her a bath, or have some fries to distract her and I’m freaking toast! She’s not as cowardly as Milo was, but she’s just as useless of a fierce protector. I probably shouldn’t be saying any of this because now I’ve given all the bad guys a road map for how to kill me. Fuck! Uhhhhhhhh, ignore all that! She’s vicious! She’ll gnaw your face off and eat your toes! She hates fries and will laugh at your threats of vacuum monsters and evil foamy baths! Ever hear a pitbull laugh? Its terrifying! Fear her!! I’m so screwed.

Well in case I’m not killed because my ferocious pitbull is still gnawing on the bones of her enemies, I still need to deal with the depression that wants to barge its way in. I feel lonely at the moment, as I hunker down for finals and whenever Hubby is away, so I don’t tend to get out as much. I swear, I’m the living embodiment of a balancing scale of weirdness! I am introverted in that I LOVE being left alone to do whatever I feel like, watch whatever I feel like, but yet after about a few days, I crave social interaction, but don’t want to be alone in doing it. Throughout all my life, I watched as friends seemed to form tight groups with other, while I never seemed to be included. I saw them go out and have all these adventures while I was never even thought about inviting me to. They have all these moments that they tell me about, and as I’m hearing it all I can think of is “Why didn’t you call me to join you?” I feel…………..forgotten. As a got older, I figured it was fine as life made it tricky to have more free time, and the funds, to do all those things. But still…………………this continues to happen. So one begins to wonder: is it me? Am I the reason for being left out? Did I do or say something that makes people not want me around? So this kicks off the train of “Why Do I Suck” spiral of doom that leaves me crawling around in my own skin. The effects of abuse have resulted in me wanted to please everyone, to make sure that everyone loves me so that they either don’t hurt me or leave, which I’m getting better about letting go of. But this? It still remains. Its why I have such a love/hate relationship about my birthday because it always flares up strongly during that month. Lately, its been a loop in my brainmeats that if I disappeared, no one would notice I was gone. How do you shut that voice off when it continues to point out the fact that people DO leave you out? Its hard to not listen when you see an overwhelming amount of people you love all gathered together going on trips, going to events, or having parties and you were never called or asked to join in, and when YOU reach out to throw your own events, they all suddenly are busy doing other things. Being an adult sucks donkey balls, people! Especially when you’ve got brainmeats that don’t work properly!

I KNOW its childish and ridiculous to feel like this. I’m almost 40 for fuck’s sake! “Its quality, not quantity”, as Hubby tries to soothe me with. *eye roll* Stupid charming man. *sticks tongue out* I need to make more friends. Ones that art artistic, history nerds, geeks, and unicorn allies. And glitter enthusiasts! You can never have enough glitter. As Raymond Reddington said: Never underestimate the power of glitter!

*sigh* I need to get to studying. Just keep swimming, just keep swimming……….

Oh hey! I have a blog! I really need get back to doing this.

First and foremost, I must give myself my own damn shout-out. I’m currently in mid-terms for my last semester at SF State. I checked on my Western Art History results and I got a perfect score, 50 out of 50!

mic drop 2

I….am….a bad ass! *does goofy twerk dance that should NEVER been done in public because it’t really sad more than anything*

I won’t know about my Queer Art History class until after spring break, which I currently am enjoying!

I really need this break. I’ve been having a really tough time lately mentally. After having a bad experience back in mid February, my panic and anxiety attacks popped back up with a vengeance because, let’s be honest, when one is under normal stress what they REALLY need is that minty fresh scent of panic and anxiety to make things all awesome and shit! For about a week I was having constant issues with getting to sleep where I was having the same fear over and over again,…..if I fall asleep, I will die, so not only was my normal random insomnia there, but now there was sprinkles of my death lingering in my head!! It’s like,…..having to eat the driest meatloaf known to all of mankind, but all I had to drink in order to choke it down is grape flavored NyQuil! My chest would occasionally tighten up like an elephant was sitting on me. Frakking damn panic elephant! At the moment, I have just suck it up and deal as Hubby was laid off at the beginning of the month, but found a new, better job a week later. which means we lost our insurance for this month. So, no therapy sessions to help me get through it and no ability to get some temporary prescription help either. And my special chocolate sometimes makes the anxiety worse depending on which one I use. So………..yay. With this spring break, I can relax a bit and not feel like I’m running out of time constantly. Hubby also told me to go get a massage treatment as that does help get the muscles all bound up from freaking out constantly to calm the fuck down. A beautiful spa day for little ol’ me? BEST HUSBAND EVER!!

On Monday, my daughter turns 7 years old. Lost story short:

Found out I was pregnant 6 months in. (Again, long story and I’m shortening it) We’re not parenting people so we made the decision to find a couple that are. We did, and her daddies are the best thing that has ever happened and give her the life that we know we would not be able to.

She’s ridiculously adorable, undoubtedly a result of my own cute genes, and she’s freaking unstoppable in her brains, the gift from her father’s own genius genes. I found the perfect gift for her this year and I can’t wait to see how she likes it. She’s my solid ground for whenever I get really low. I never want to see her in pain and that constant reminder is the rope that I cling to whenever I get too close to the edge. I want to see her get old. I want to have conversations with her like Lorilali and Rory Gilmore. I never want to see her feel that pain that comes with loss. So, I cling to thoughts of her and I pull myself up.

For the next week, I’ll try to make some art as I haven’t done so in awhile and its making my skin crawl which is never a good thing.

I’m about to be edumacated!!

I start SFSU in a week or so. I’m still waiting for FA to help pay for those courses and my books because frankly, I’m too po to afford any of it right now. *glares at bank account* I’m nervous as hell because I’ve ALREADY had to change a course because the teacher yanked me out due to my lack of having taken any other Women’s Gender Studies courses. The class is set up as a GE course, that covers one of the Upper Division course requirements as well as satisfies THREE of the overlay requirements so completing that one class clears up at least one extra semester for me to take! I’d be done with my degree much faster, but because the course isn’t set up in the system to prevent one from taking a class that they don’t meet the requirements for, it wastes everyone’s time and lets you sign up only to be booted out a week before classes start!!

Brilliant, I know, right?????

Luckily, the class I also need to take but didn’t sign up for due to it being at the same time as the other course, was still open so I snagged a seat for that one. Crisis averted before there was going to be one FTW!!!!

I also pulled up the forms for me to keep track of my progress as well as create a road map for the future semesters to continue the trend of getting this done as fast as possible with as little cost as possible. Gotta love finding out that NONE of my art history courses I’ve taken are transferable!! *tosses confetti* So I need at least 2 3 unit courses to meet my lower division requirement. *grumbles obscenities* You’d think the Intro to Art History would but alas it doesn’t, which of course makes ZERO FUCKING SENSE!!!! *deep breath*

In other news, my dad sent me a belated Christmas present as it wasn’t on sale until recently so he was able to get really cheap. He sent me one of the super sweet professional grade easels! I can now paint on canvases that are over 4 feet!! I need to put rollers on the bottom so it can move around easier as well as perhaps raise it up a bit, but its fucking awesome!!! I’m not taking any art classes this semester since there will be a bunch of reading and writing I’ll have to be doing and won’t really have time to focus on pieces. I do have ideas in mind for what to work on when I DO have time. Just need to save up for the supplies as I’m running dry on paint and need better brushes and the most important part: something to paint on!

I also need to go to a museum soon or the zoo as I haven’t taken many photos lately and I need to GET OUT OF MY FUCKING HOUSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!