Moose nipples are totally a thing

I put that title up because no one freaking reads this blog as far as I know so I’m basically talking to myself here. I could shout about the many, many ways in which barnacle porn is the new hot fetish in SF or how a hippo once saved a sea captain during a terrible storm, and no one would know about it. Because I’m essentially invisible here. So I’m declaring that Moose nipples are not actual nipples but actually a new candy that taste like Batman eating a hot fudge sundae at the county fair because no one is here to stop me!!!

For anyone that IS reading this, ……..well hi.

Since I haven’t updated in like a year, let’s dust off the year and see what’s been happening. I’m still behaving with not eating tons of crap. Managed to lose 50 lbs and keep it off so far. I changed my hair color back to dark pink so its a bit more presentable if needed. Pigby and Daisy are doing fine, both are my wonderful little snuggle bugs. Pigby got a genetic test to see what breed she is and turns out she’s a full Staffy Terrier, aka a full pibble! She’s still skinny, so we’ve increased her food intake a bit to see if that works. She’s still snorty like a pig in a truffles field, but otherwise she’s amusingly healthy! Daisy is still very stump like, but I prefer my babies tubby. That way they’re too fat to run away and leave me.

Now for the more important stuff!! I finally graduated! I’ve got a degree now!! An expensive, kinda worthless studio art/ art history bachelors degree! YAY!!!!!!! LOL! last month, I decided to throw myself into mass panic by making art my career. So far I’ve opened up an Etsy shop, published a website, sold one painting to a family member, a print of another painting to a friend, and now I’m working on getting my business license. I’m also going to try to get booths at some local fairs so that’s why I needed the license. Hubby is helping me the entire way, but I’m still in charge of posting about my stuff. God how I hate promoting myself!! It’s one giant anxiety nightmare because I am more terrified by the silence than rejection. But promote it here I have! So there’s that!

Been working on a bunch of different paintings and illustrations. Basically, I’m trying to find my path, as usual. Mentally, I’m getting better. Feeling stronger, opening up more, and working harder at not continuing bad behaviors or routines. Meds seem to be working better now, health seems okay, and not missing sugar all that much………….well not AS much. Cutting sugar and junk really has helped so its hard not to acknowledge how I REALLY need to stick to healthier eating habits. But I’m still eating pizza!! I tried a Keto crust,……..and…….no. Everything else works out fine so far.

I don’t really have a clever witty way to end this post. But do I really have to be clever to just myself? I mean, I know that I’m legit cray cray, but does amusing only myself push me further in Crazy-town? Wait, is there a place called Crazy-town???!! Do they have mini golf or skee ball there? Is it called crazy because of the town or because of the people there? How’s the WiFi? Wonder if there are pibbles there that need a good home……….

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Life moves pretty fast

Last I posted was the beginning of the year. I started my final semester, a new way of eating, and a new year in life. To quickly catch up on the state of the Strange Child, there’s been some changes.

I managed to lose 30lbs so far and the changes to my eating habits haven’t been as difficult as one would think. I didn’t realize how much of a sugar addict I was until I removed all that was “naughty” from my cupboards. I’ve experimented with substitutions for things I used as staples (rice, pasta, potatoes), to more low carb options (cauliflower “rice”, sweet potatoes) that were successful. Other substitutions, (zoodles) that didn’t work out so well. I’m feeling better, but I need to make an appointment to get new bloodwork done. For now, its continuing what I’ve been doing.

Another development recently was a new addition to the household! We adopted another dog, who’s ridiculously adorable!! She’s two years old, a pibble mix we think, and is a bit of a “special needs” dog. She was born with a deviated palette and a deformed lower jaw so her tongue hangs out all the time. She also snorts loudly like a pig, which is why we named her Pigby. She requires only a little bit of extra help in that she has to be cleaned up after when she eats or drools, so she’s like a toddler that never grows up. Daisy and her get along great, chase each other and play. We’ve taken both of them out separately into public to see how they behave and both did very well. Daisy still has this need to smell all the things, while Pigby just wants to hang out and meet people. My babies are awesome!! Here’s a couple shots of my babies:

See???!! Cuteness overload triggering brain explosions!

Beyond being covered in pibble awesomeness, I am finally done with school. I will have my Bachelor’s degree in my hand at the end of the week. My parents are coming up to celebrate this weekend, friends are joining us as well to BBQ (provided Bay Area weather isn’t too bad) and with that, I’m done.  I’ll be starting to look for work and ways to continue making art, and hopefully selling it as well. I know I’m not interested in going back to making average pay, stuck at a desk, normal hair, and covering up my tattoos for a 9-5 where yes I’m appreciated but its just meaningless.

I am tired of being invisible. I want to be seen.

Screaming Internal Head Monkeys would make a great band name!

Summer breaks really suck honestly. Like, they suck ridiculously massive sized bowls of dicks that are sucking other bowls of dicks, which makes for a disturbing image that now is probably going to haunt my dreams later. Let’s just say, there is a lot of sucking happening here people!!

For my summer art progress, I have managed to so far make one small fluid painting, and two color pencil drawings that helped me practice with the medium a bit. I’m now working on a Fiona Apple image that goes with my Tori Amos one I’m so in love with. I’m now, more then ever, convinced that I will need to get a studio outside the house that I can treat like a job that I go to because I NEED to not be just stuck here, mentally or otherwise. Better lighting, more space, and most importantly, OUTSIDE OF THE HOUSE!!!

I’ve got a bit of the Screaming Internal Head Monkeys today. I want to scream but its only going to freak out the dog and frighten the neighbors. Whenever I’m depressed AND bored, it becomes this toxic cocktail for my inner monologue. I feel like peeling my own skin off because its just twitchy and feels like its got things crawling around inside it. Body image issues blossom into ever so delightfully annoying mean girl voices singing a chorus of all the ways in which I suck. And finally, a cherry on top of this, I have too much mental energy that’s wrestling with my physical energy which feels like a 100 ton pound boulder chained to me.

So, to provide a visual representation of what my Screaming Internal Head Monkeys are making me feel like today I give you this:
giphy

Stupid asshole brain!! Just kinda want to randomly throw things or smash something. *sigh* Having ADD and depression fucking sucks, people!!!

I’ll be starting a new medication tomorrow. Yay. I have been taking Wellbutrin for several years now but noticed it wasn’t working as well. So my doctor decided to add Lexapro to see if it will boost my mood up a bit. Three months later and it hasn’t helped any. So I’m weening off the Lexapro and onto Cymbalta to see if that will help any. Was a bit annoyed to find out that my current insurance doesn’t cover my Adderall, so I’m going to be further off of it until next month when my new insurance starts. Then I can refill the prescription without having to pay over $100 for it!! (Oh, and go fuck yourselves Big Pharma and Insurance companies. You stink.) I also had to find a new primary physician because my previous one moved to a different office which has a membership fee of $149/ year, which I didn’t see as worth paying for. So found a new doctor closer to me and we shall see how she works out. I really liked my old doctor. She was so damn easy going! Oh well, maybe this one will be just as nice.

On a more happier note, I get to Lilymonster in almost a month. AND she gets to have grandma and grandpa time!!! I can’t wait to see her be the ball of joy that I love her for. Even though it’s only for a brief few days, seeing Mom having ALL of her grandkids around her will be worth it. I wish I had time to show her Star Wars or Labyrinth or something like that, but I don’t think it will work out. Another time I suppose! I just can’t wait to hug her and see her. That’s my joy at the moment.

I can’t figure out how to end this. I don’t have any kind of witty way or glitter bomb to drop that leaves this on an up note. So instead I’ll quote Bob’s Burgers:

“I was gonna hit you, but I’m holding wine!”

 

Brain dumps

Have you ever felt like there are things just crawling around under your skin that travel the paths of your own thoughts? Like, you’ll be laying there, trying to relax and then you’re struck by this intense need to just peel off your own skin because it feels so foreign and wrong and uncomfortable that you just can’t stand it anymore. Just rip it off like some Scooby Doo villain reveal.

Every inch of me I want to tear apart and start over. Head over to the body parts store, pick up all new parts like I’m rebuilding a car in my garage. New hair, new eyes, new torso, new arms, new butt, new knees, new spark plugs, the works! Earl Shine would paint my ass for $19.95!! I just want out of this skin. I know this is hormonal shift, depression wanting to beginning, anxiety linked to stress, and lack of a constant stable routine, but it is still annoying as hell.

I have been successful in keeping myself working on things. I got at least 2 of my elements paintings done or at least very close to done. I traced out the photos for my color pencil drawings today so that project is set to begin at some point next week. Once those are done, I’ll pull out the sewing machine. I have some fabric that I can use as right now I can’t buy anything. I hope I have thread, haven’t checked on that yet.

But skin crawlings is frustrating me. I need the weather to get better so I can go outside to just chill. You’re not helping weather!!! It’s almost June, act correctly! *pouts*

*deep breaths* I am one with the Force, and the Force is with me.

Fuck you skin.

The worst Oscars life reel would be mine.

I know this might be shocking but I’m crazy. Not “oh cool, the aliens in my toaster are repainting the walls again” kind of crazy, but the kind that still warrants keeping an eye on oneself. I think of it as being more like a jigsaw puzzle that is frequently put together, missing a few pieces, or has pieces of another puzzle mixed in. Recently got diagnosed with ADD, which runs through my family like lactose through the intolerant. Whenever our dog Daisy goes bonkers, we say that she’s got “head bees”, so in a way, I’ve got my own head bees. As well as head goblins. To put it simply, the inside of my head hovers between the chocolate room in the Wonka factory and Silent Hill on a rainy day, with random useless knowledge popping up like VH1’s Pop Up Video.

Recently during my usual struggle with my brain’s refusal to shut up when its time to go to sleep, I wandered over mentally into my memories. Memories of how long have I really been dealing with this bullshit. My therapist recommended to me years ago that talking openly about my struggles helps take away the shame I associate with my craziness. She said that asking for help is the strongest act I can take, so saying to people, “Hey, so yeah I know that most of the time I’m all rainbows and shenanigans, but underneath all this is a scared little girl that thinks that everyone hates her because she cries easily and is secretly scared of almost everything, so I could really use some love right now otherwise I might just walk over to that edge and not stop.” I guess this is why I love Catherine Tate’s Donna Noble from Doctor Who. She put up this facade of snark because deep down she believed that she was worthless.
17522897_1336657633055591_8966408900149772778_n I frequently find Hubby and me having this very conversation. Made even more amusing that he has a doctorate so he’s my own Doctor. Minus the Tardis of course. But he reminds me that I am, for him, the most important person in all of the known universes. Once again, The Doctor saves me. Only its my doctor. Have GOT to figure out how to get him to make me a Tardis. He’s smart, so I’m sure he could figure it out.

So the voice has started up again recently, whispering lies, and I push against them. Its exhausting sometimes. But, I push on. Numb, but push on. Lather, rinse repeat. I’ll get my glitter back again. The sparks will fly and the chocolate factory will overflow with delights. Great, now I want candy! I might need to hit a candy store this weekend. Get me a big ass bag of diabetes!! Candy glitters people. Just go with me on this.

The final stretch of winter freedom

Next week school starts again and my brain couldn’t be happier to be functionally active. Well, other than functioning as the internal voice of Damien high on his own ego and out for blood. Man, I seriously can NOT handle being without something to do!! Hubby being gone last week was yet another shiny example of how I’d fail miserably at being single. I barely left the house during that week. I did work on my elements paintings but I really only got one 95% done and started another one. I’m hoping to work more on them later in the week, but if its all crappy outside and the bed turns into “comfy bed”, its going to be damn difficult to drag my carcass out of the dreamy soft warmth. Well not too hard. Daisy’s dead weight of sleep will act as the forklift of momentum to get up as the pain of her awkward snuggling murders my back. That…….and the need to pee.

I have been making more digital collages lately. I am freaking in love with making these. I’m getting better at understanding how to use Photoshop by doing what I usually do in order to learn a program. A little technique I call “Button Smash”!! Basically, its just me hitting random features a bunch of different ways until I figure out how it works. This monkey doesn’t need expensive books to learn things! Youtube tutorials sometimes, but Button Smash is the best way to understand something complicated!! Poke something repetitively and eventually you figure out how to do it right. Just learn to love the “undo” feature with all your heart and soul, and all will be right in the world! Most of what I’ve done I put up on my Facebook page but like most addictive things, I’ll give the first taste for free.

family-tripmean-girls

Not too bad, right? Not perfect but I think that actually makes things more,………authentic I guess is the word. Like, if these were made from real physical images there would be flaws so having the digital versions being not absolutely perfectly put together makes them feel more real to me. I’m learning as I go along. Trying to build up a stockade of images to use too. Trying to be mindful to use more retro images or stock photos so as to not be a jackass. If I DO get contacted by someone, I’ll amend the image or just remove it all together. I actually prefer the retro/vintage stuff anyway. (its already ridiculous in appearance on their own) I get to build surreal universes!!! A world of nonsense all the my fingertips and click of a mouse! And it’s not porn!!!!!

When school starts, I’ll feel a bit better probably. The brainmeats will quiet down a bit so my depression will roll back somewhat. I’m also getting a home gym this month so that I can come home from school each day and workout. That should help since exercise is supposed to, but sweating makes me more angry than happy. Damn I miss my old gym in LA where I had a steam room to sit in! I don’t care for a sauna all that much but a steam room was just so freaking awesome! Its a big bowl of donkey dicks that I can’t seem to find a gym close to my house that has one. *kicks dirt* Stupid gyms. So I’ll have a gym at home to stare me directly in the face, and therefore, absolutely ZERO excuse for doing something! I turn 40 this year and I hate how I look. I need to do something, mostly so that I can once again be able to take a photo of myself without wanting to hide in some Cavern of Sadness forever. I’m broken, so its time to start gluing pieces back together.

Winter break update

I haven’t had a chance to do any writing recently but I’ve finally got a moment to get some of the buzzing around in my head out.
First a quick school update:
Hooray! Another semester is done and I can go back to my normal shenanigans. I am beyond glad that this semester is over because the stress it caused me along with the crap fest that 2016 was made going to school feel like a trek through the Swamp of Sadness. Only 2 more left until I have my degree.

Now, onto the State of Strange Child:
Ugh. 2016 was such a royal bitch wasn’t it?! Losing John so suddenly was difficult as being so distant I felt helpless. I wanted to jump on a plane and run out there to be there for her and her daddy. But I couldn’t. I couldn’t even make it out for the memorial because of school. The depression from the summer break didn’t quite go away either. It lingered like a fart in the air. I was constantly feeling like a failure and that I was grasping at straws to get stuff done. I got B’s in both of my general ed classes and it STILL bugs me that I see this as a fail. I feel like I busted my ass in both of those classes yet I didn’t excel like I normally do. (Stupid ADD brain) That’s another thing that’s getting to me. I may need to have my meds adjusted as I feel, …….off. I want to do a billion things, but don’t have enough time to get it all done. So many art projects, cooking ideas, exercise I need to do, books to read, movies to watch, etc. Just not enough hours in the day. Plus Hubby will pout about missing me.
I really miss being able to have weed too. Ever since that horrific experience in February, I’ve stayed away from it because I’m terrified of it happening again. But I desperately miss that warm glowing feeling it gave me that allowed me to just relax and be in the moment. I would feel so happy and carefree. I get that way when I’m buzzed on booze, but the hangover is horrific. With weed I wake up the next day totally chill and ridiculously well rested. Hubby is annoyed that I haven’t gotten my card yet. Says I just need to “vagina up” and do it. He even told me about some mobile app that would allow me to do it over the phone. I am just terrified of doing it. I know its easy, and that its not that big of a deal, but the thought of me having to go into one of the offices to get one of the cards paralyzes me for some reason. I  just want to feel that moment of fuzzy happiness where I just don’t give a shit about anything other than laughing and having something tasty. Hell, when I had some while Hubby was away on business to help keep me calm while I’m all by myself I’d draw up a storm! I’d throw something on Netflix on, sit on the bed, draw while sort of paying attention, and then look up to realize that it was 2am. He’s going on another trip soon. It’d be nice if I could be able to have that again.

I should write here more often I know. Especially about my art. I have gotten better with my painting. This semester I learned how to better do the fluid painting so I’ll be able to play with that more efficiently where I’m not blowing through paint like before. I also learned how to do transfers so now when I draw something, I don’t have to try to recreate it again onto the canvas, I can just trace it with transfer paper! Saves my mental health so damn much learning this!!!!! Also, I learned how to do digital collages in Photoshop! Oh sweet Chuck I love doing those!! I will need to learn more about Photoshop so I think I’ll try to find some sort of tutorial book so that I can really get good at them. Next semester I’m playing with ceramics again so perhaps I’ll be able to make some cool things there too. For now, I’m working on a 4 painting series of the four elements: fire, water, air and water. Got them all drawn onto the canvases and ready to paint. I hope to have those done by the end of next week. I’m hoping to do at least one drawing every night that Hubby is gone to keep my skills up. I feel like I’m slacking in that area right now.

A new year. It already is going to be hard considering the state of the US being run by an orange shitgibbon with a super sensitive ego and congress of jackasses. But then again, maybe we need this shit fest in order to better ourselves. Who knows. I just want to make pretty things, watch Star Wars, laugh, and learn new things.