The Very Bad, No Good, Terrible Summer of self wreckage & art comes to a close

This summer has been an interesting and soul searchingly hard one for me. Interesting in that I’ve spent most of it being depressed, lonely, isolated, and trying to make as much art as I could. Interesting in how I had to drop the plans of transferring to a different college to finish up my degree because it offers more studio art classes, yet the cost of the school was way beyond my financial reach, even with assistance. Interesting in that I went to gym more then I usually do and not one pound fell off my fat ass.

The Soul Searchingly Hard part was my therapist helping me accept that being without a job and/or school means I’m without a purpose which leads to me beginning to spiral. Add in isolation from not having any sort human contact, and my brainmeats turn further inward with a laser-like focus on every single one of my flaws completely the Spiral of Self Destruction that I am so unbelievably talented at! Seriously, I win the gold medal in this sport!

So where does that leave me as this summer comes to an end and another semester is set to begin at the end of the month? It leaves me feeling a bit of the weight off my shoulders in that I know another of my limitations and have a general idea of what I need to do to fix it. I have at least these last two semesters left to complete my degree, which should be this time next year fully graduated with a BA in Studio art with a minor in Art History. Provided I factored in all of the classes correctly. We’ll see. And in July I’ll be working on my parents 50th wedding anniversary party right after school is done, so in way, I’ll have a job right out the gate to work on for 2 months. After that? That’s where things need to be planned out before that in some fashion.

Hubby suggested that I have two options for myself at that point. I could find any sort of job, even a part time one, and do my art on the side like a hobby. My paychecks can be 100% used to pay off my school loan, making the debt go down faster than it might if I wasn’t working. He expects to be making more then he is now so we’ll have a bit more coming in that we can also look into me renting a small art studio outside of the house, where I treat it like going to an office every day. I could even look into sharing it with someone. There, I’m not worrying about doing damage to the place too much like at home, which means I can go crazy in the place. I could even find one that will let me bring Daisy with me, so she’s getting out of the house during the day, and there wouldn’t be anything there that could distract me like the TV. He tells me that he doesn’t care what I do, as long and I do not do what I’ve been doing………..ripping myself apart internally until I break.

For now I just make things, get through my next semester, dig through the bullshit in my brainmeats to find the good, learn new things, and live life. One of my most recent paintings I did was inspired by most favorite artists Vincent Van Gogh. I didn’t draw it out first, I was messy with painting it, and I concentrated on my love of his art in my mind while I worked. I’ll fully admit, Doctor Who is what got me more interested in his work. But it was in learning about him that I found a connection to him as person. We see the world in similar ways in that the world around us is beautiful, even in the most simplest things like sunflowers or the night’s sky. A few days, I’ll be standing in front of his most famous of works, Starry Night (1893) and I’ll probably break down crying while I stare into its mastery. When Van Gogh painted that image, he was in the asylum in Saint Remy, after having cut off his ear in a hysterical fit. A fit which many including myself theorize was brought on by Paul Gauguin’s perceived “abandonment” of Vincent when the two’s friendship dissolved and Paul left town. He wasn’t allowed to paint at night in the hospital so he worked during the day based on memory of the previous night’s sky. Vincent wrote letters during that time about how he much preferred how the night sky looked, how it moved, how it glistened with life much more than daylight. That painting is Vincent Van Gogh’s soul at that moment in his life. To see it in person,……………I will most certainly need a moment people. So, I did a painting to pay homage to my beloved Vincent:

van gogh

Hubby was gobsmacked when he saw it. He actually said, “Don’t be offended, but I think it’s your best one”. There was a small part of me, I call her Veruca, that was irked a bit by him as she was all “So you’re saying the rest of my stuff is crap, eh?!” But I kicked her and she quieted down. Of all the paintings I did this summer, I’ll admit this is my favorite one. I want to try to do more like it. I signed up for the painting class this semester so we’ll see how that goes. The interesting part will be along with that, my other studio art class is a conceptual one. I’m hoping that during this semester I find a bit more of my artistic voice. I need it right now.

So once more, I find myself crawling out of my own wreckage. I am almost at the point of dusting myself off and straightening my hair bow with a sense of “I’m gonna rock this bitch” attitude. For now, its me gearing up for our vacation trip to see Lilymonster this week. Art, food, and love. Oh, and I might get lucky and get into a taping of the Daily Show!!! Tonight however, I get to live out a teenage missed opportunity. I’m seeing Guns and Roses live tonight! \m/ !! Small things of joy allow for the bigger things to come through.


Families are like pimples of the butt.

First, I need to vent about the weather. Its July. In California. And I’ve had to wear a sweater for the past week. The summertime in the Bay Area is like Bizarro World, where up is down and summer is windy, overcast, and cold! Even the 4th of July was pointless of a day as the damn fog again for the 2nd year in a row, blocked EXACTLY the line of view of the fireworks. To describe it so that one can understand the visual better, it was like the Bay fog was acting as a censor bar covering up the fireworks like nudity during a news broadcast. Apparently the fog thought the fireworks were sinful and therefore needed to be forbidden from view, which much like nipples on a man, the 4th without fireworks is utterly pointless. That, and it was all super windy and that just blows. (HA! I’m a hoot!)

Well my summer plans for going through my pintrest boards has failed. I managed to get just the one thing done and few recipes tried but other than that,…………I dropped the ball. I have been a good girl with going to back to the gym and getting there at LEAST 4 times a week and working out for no less than 1 hour. I’ve even done 2 hours once! Watching old episodes of Doctor Who helps make the time go by like a snap. I can be on a treadmill for hours as long as I’ve got my Doctor to watch. I may need to switch over to Supernatural soon though. I need a bit of variety, otherwise my attention wanes while I’m on the treadmill. Plus, the TVs at the gym are set to horrid places like CNN and Faux “News”, and since I go in the early morning, there’s the horror that is the View and Price is Right. Meh. I’d just put on Netflix if the damn WiFi in the gym was remotely useful. Much like Shawn Spencer discovered, it only works in just this one spot, which isn’t around the machines I use or like using. I’m hoping that around my birthday I can afford to get my own treadmill, so that I can stop paying for the gym and workout at home. This way I can watch The Doctor and the Winchesters to my little fangirl heart’s content, or even read my homework, while I walk for a few miles.  I have to figure out a way to get workouts in when school starts again. My weight is hideous. And not in a body shaming kinda way, more of a “Oh god I’m turning into my mother!” kinda way.

My mom. *sigh* Okay I need to vent about that now. I love her, but when she got diagnosed with breast cancer in 2002, that was the beginning of her fully giving up on life. She beat cancer, watched both her children get married, became a grandmother, and  then she retired from nursing in 2010, and ever since then, she’s just slowly turning into an angry little hermit with bitter, occasionally racist, tendencies. She hardly leaves the house anymore, and if she does, my oh so delightful father insists on going with her. (Probably because he’s afraid of her falling, which she does a lot. That and her driving is…………….well,……bordering on being comical if not scary. She’s just bad at it. He’s no peach, what with his dashingly beautiful road rage. He really is a gem of a human at times.) Since he insists are coming with her, he then in turn spends the entire time bitching at her about how she “doesn’t need that, why are we looking at that, lets just go so you don’t spend any money, bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch”…………Again. Such a delight!! So she just gave up. She can’t really walk well anymore due to both of her knees being replaced which is now causing her to develop a hunchback from not moving as much as she should. She walks all crooked like. Oh, did I mention that she’s only 70? I’ve meet some 80 year olds that are in better shape than her. She’s been cancer free for 12 years now, managing to only need radiation treatments because she caught it extremely early. She’s a diabetic but she controls it with her diet mostly. I managed to convince her to never use any of the sugar substitutes as that only makes it worse. But she gets all HULK SMASH whenever she starts talking about all things wrong with her health, and her life. She claims to have fibromyalgia, but I question this, mostly because she only seems to “feel like crap” when other friends I know that DO have it scream about pain levels and such. I think what her real problem is that she’s clinically depressed, refuses to do anything about it, and is just waiting to die. She declared that she’s got to make it to my nephew’s bar mitzvah, then she can “check out”. Awesome. *eye roll*  Oh, and I’m not supposed to do anything for her funeral either. “All my friends are dead, so is all of my family, so just do something where there isn’t any of that weeping shit.” Poetry,……….. it just rolls off her tongue with such grace folks! Dad on the other hand just wants to be put on the curb in a Hefty bag so he says he’s aiming for a Tuesday night death so he can be on the curb for morning pickup. And these very same people that call me weird for liking strange taxidermy???!!


This is my genetic people!!! My brother just shrugs and goes “That’s them” and I’m like,………but, but……………… *peels face off in frustration*  *deep breath*

So when I look in the mirror lately, I see my mother. It needs to stop, so I need to do whatever I can to stop it. As The Mother of Dragons said, “I aim to break the wheel” so that this cycle doesn’t continue any further. I already know Lilymonster is already breaking several of them simply by being as far away as possible. She’s all optimist and proud, and beams with excitement that she has her own personal library in her room that’s now spilling over into the living room. (That’s my girl!!) I can’t wait to see her next month and play around with her on her home turf. As well as feel some freaking heat!!! Man I don’t get this micro-climate shit for the Bay. Still haven’t gotten used it.

Onto more positive things: ART!!!!! Managed to make two paintings so far. The one I haven’t quite finished, just needs a few more touches. But I did managed to make a semi self-portrait recently. Wasn’t intending to, but it just unfolded that way. I’m not transferring to Mills in the fall as FUCK that place is expensive!! So back to SFSU I go and hopefully, if I plan it just right, I might be able to graduate this semester. I hope. If not, then only one more for sure. This semester I’ll be taking an English class on ecology in literature, a class on the Harlem Renaissance, and hopefully two studio art classes in mediums I haven’t worked in. Provided they are still available when I can register.

I need to make art. I have to be better focused on making things once I’m done with school. I might look into getting a job at SFMOMA now that’s re-opened after school is done. Just a thought.  But definitely making the process of making art a job for me and getting my stuff out there more. Mustn’t just give up and wait to die.

Break the cycles. Break them into specks of dust.

Sometimes, ……what you’re most afraid of doing, is the very thing that will set you free.

And make unicorn poop cookies. Because that TOTALLY needs to happen!

Being crafty and yet…….

A recent development with an old friend is poking at me at the moment. They are in a situation that not only have I gone through, (and the advice I gave them went completely out the window), but their lifestyle is something I’m ALSO not happy with knowing all too much about. It’s poking me mentally and starting to pull at the threads of some old wounds. But, that’s what therapists are for I guess. Anyhoo……..

I’m on summer break at the moment from school and when I don’t have some sort of plan or routine to work with, my brainmeats declare war against me. War in the sense of it keeps picking me apart, poking old wounds to reopen them, and just being a general royal pain in my ass. My ass is already ENOUGH of a pain being all fabulous in its glory of awesomeness, so I figured the best thing to do is to keep myself busy, and to get some art projects I’ve been putting off done.

My pintrest addiction is assisting in this. Hey! I do NOT have a problem, I can totally quit any time. Just let me pin these last thousand pins……….

This week I did some dollar store shopping to make apothecary jars. Its ridiculously simple to make these. All you need is the following:

  • Jars (If you like upcycling, you can totally use a pickle jar)
  • Candlestick holders (make sure that the jars will be able to balance on them first)
  • spray paint (one that will work on plastics and glass are best. I picked one with a gloss finish so they’ll shine a bit)
  • draw knobs
  • E6000 glue

Steps are again, ridiculously easy.

  • Glue to knobs to the center of the tops of the jars.
  • Spray paint both the lids and the candlestick holders whatever color you wish. Let them dry completely before you do anything. I waited an entire 24 hours.
  • Glue the candlestick holders to the bottom of the jar.
  • Marvel at how amazingly talented you are!

And this was my end result:


See??!! Ridiculously simple!!

With this first Self-Pintrest Challenge completed, I will move on to another dollar store one where I goth out the cheesy religious angel statues later. That will be a bit more tricky as it requires some delicate painting so those might end up being in the “nailed it” pile.

I’ll share any other Pintrest creations later. Have fun, try not to glue yourself to anything! Unless you are into that kind of thing. If so, kinky and do NOT send pics!

Oh hey! I have a blog! I really need get back to doing this.

First and foremost, I must give myself my own damn shout-out. I’m currently in mid-terms for my last semester at SF State. I checked on my Western Art History results and I got a perfect score, 50 out of 50!

mic drop 2

I….am….a bad ass! *does goofy twerk dance that should NEVER been done in public because it’t really sad more than anything*

I won’t know about my Queer Art History class until after spring break, which I currently am enjoying!

I really need this break. I’ve been having a really tough time lately mentally. After having a bad experience back in mid February, my panic and anxiety attacks popped back up with a vengeance because, let’s be honest, when one is under normal stress what they REALLY need is that minty fresh scent of panic and anxiety to make things all awesome and shit! For about a week I was having constant issues with getting to sleep where I was having the same fear over and over again,…..if I fall asleep, I will die, so not only was my normal random insomnia there, but now there was sprinkles of my death lingering in my head!! It’s like,…..having to eat the driest meatloaf known to all of mankind, but all I had to drink in order to choke it down is grape flavored NyQuil! My chest would occasionally tighten up like an elephant was sitting on me. Frakking damn panic elephant! At the moment, I have just suck it up and deal as Hubby was laid off at the beginning of the month, but found a new, better job a week later. which means we lost our insurance for this month. So, no therapy sessions to help me get through it and no ability to get some temporary prescription help either. And my special chocolate sometimes makes the anxiety worse depending on which one I use. So………..yay. With this spring break, I can relax a bit and not feel like I’m running out of time constantly. Hubby also told me to go get a massage treatment as that does help get the muscles all bound up from freaking out constantly to calm the fuck down. A beautiful spa day for little ol’ me? BEST HUSBAND EVER!!

On Monday, my daughter turns 7 years old. Lost story short:

Found out I was pregnant 6 months in. (Again, long story and I’m shortening it) We’re not parenting people so we made the decision to find a couple that are. We did, and her daddies are the best thing that has ever happened and give her the life that we know we would not be able to.

She’s ridiculously adorable, undoubtedly a result of my own cute genes, and she’s freaking unstoppable in her brains, the gift from her father’s own genius genes. I found the perfect gift for her this year and I can’t wait to see how she likes it. She’s my solid ground for whenever I get really low. I never want to see her in pain and that constant reminder is the rope that I cling to whenever I get too close to the edge. I want to see her get old. I want to have conversations with her like Lorilali and Rory Gilmore. I never want to see her feel that pain that comes with loss. So, I cling to thoughts of her and I pull myself up.

For the next week, I’ll try to make some art as I haven’t done so in awhile and its making my skin crawl which is never a good thing.

I’m about to be edumacated!!

I start SFSU in a week or so. I’m still waiting for FA to help pay for those courses and my books because frankly, I’m too po to afford any of it right now. *glares at bank account* I’m nervous as hell because I’ve ALREADY had to change a course because the teacher yanked me out due to my lack of having taken any other Women’s Gender Studies courses. The class is set up as a GE course, that covers one of the Upper Division course requirements as well as satisfies THREE of the overlay requirements so completing that one class clears up at least one extra semester for me to take! I’d be done with my degree much faster, but because the course isn’t set up in the system to prevent one from taking a class that they don’t meet the requirements for, it wastes everyone’s time and lets you sign up only to be booted out a week before classes start!!

Brilliant, I know, right?????

Luckily, the class I also need to take but didn’t sign up for due to it being at the same time as the other course, was still open so I snagged a seat for that one. Crisis averted before there was going to be one FTW!!!!

I also pulled up the forms for me to keep track of my progress as well as create a road map for the future semesters to continue the trend of getting this done as fast as possible with as little cost as possible. Gotta love finding out that NONE of my art history courses I’ve taken are transferable!! *tosses confetti* So I need at least 2 3 unit courses to meet my lower division requirement. *grumbles obscenities* You’d think the Intro to Art History would but alas it doesn’t, which of course makes ZERO FUCKING SENSE!!!! *deep breath*

In other news, my dad sent me a belated Christmas present as it wasn’t on sale until recently so he was able to get really cheap. He sent me one of the super sweet professional grade easels! I can now paint on canvases that are over 4 feet!! I need to put rollers on the bottom so it can move around easier as well as perhaps raise it up a bit, but its fucking awesome!!! I’m not taking any art classes this semester since there will be a bunch of reading and writing I’ll have to be doing and won’t really have time to focus on pieces. I do have ideas in mind for what to work on when I DO have time. Just need to save up for the supplies as I’m running dry on paint and need better brushes and the most important part: something to paint on!

I also need to go to a museum soon or the zoo as I haven’t taken many photos lately and I need to GET OUT OF MY FUCKING HOUSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

New Art, new/old worries and how skulls can make the blues go away

I finished my last semester at my city college this week. I did a great set of Alice in Wonderland inspired pieces which I love so much. Lets look at how fabulous I am shall we:

Twisted Alice
Twisted Alice
Caterpillar Oracle
Caterpillar Oracle
Down the rabbit hole
Down the rabbit hole
Mad Hatter's chair
Mad Hatter’s chair
Queen of Hearts
Queen of Hearts

See? I’m completely amazing! I’ll be transferring to the State University in January…… provided that I’m able to afford paying for it. *le sigh* We’re (fingers crossed, candles lit, glitter tossed, dolls with pins whatever it takes) hopefully not going to be heading towards another financially setback. The instability of the tech industry is………well…………….annoyingly frustrating. Seriously. So we’re in yet another holding pattern because the fear of no money coming in just after we had no money coming in. If the shoe drops, I’ll have to postpone my schooling as we won’t be able to pay for it in the slightest. I’m not even sure if I’ll be able to get financial aid as it is. So, yeah. Rainbows and kittens all up in this bitch!!

I’ve already registered for classes which will be all general education courses so that I can get that nonsense out of the way quick. This means no art classes for a semester sadly. BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I will however be working on setting up a list of things to do during this semester so that I keep up with my skills. Use it or lose it people!!! I’ll even work on some paintings so that I can improve on those too. And whenever I get the chance, I’ll submit my work for showings. This is will work. Yes, I will get through this and we’ll be fine.

Anyhoo……………too much dwelling on toxic depressive subjects. Its Christmas time!!!!!


I need to start baking stuff as it makes me feel better to have happy smells in my house and to shower my loved ones with sugary sweets that will eventually cost them a foot or at the very least put them in a diabetic coma which, honestly, is TOTALLY worth it because damn my fudge is awesome!! I need to do something positive and joyful, and baking four different types of cookies, four different types of fudge, and covering things in glitter and stuffing boxes with four pounds of sugar and mailing it to friends is one way to make me feel a tiny bit in control of my world at the moment. The house has been decorated and we’ll get a tree soon which will once again have tentacles sticking out on the branches to express our undying devotion to his Elder God awesomeness Cthulhu. There will be other decorations people but come on……………….my tree has tentacles!!! Once the storm of the century recedes, we’ll put the decorations on the outside! Nightmare before Christmas pumpkins with Santa hats, scary wreath with teeth, skull wreath on the door, and hopefully shiny bows with skulls on them! Ahhhhhhh I love my quirky love of things dark and spooky!! My goal to be an Addams is going to happy people!!!

Where’d I put my hot buttered rum?