Preparing requires lots of rum

In about 2 weeks, I’ll be setting up a canopy in Alameda, CA for my first art fair. Getting several of my fluid paintings, illustrations, and photos all set up to unleash upon the masses in hopes that they’ll pay me to take it with them. I’m nervous and completely overwhelmed. My ADD is cackling at all the chaos it’s flinging at me, the little fucking bastard. I have to keep reminding myself that I do NOT need to add more to the piles of things that I need to bring or whatever. I am hoping that there is enough rum and weed in the world that can help keep me from running away to hide because honestly, hiding is currently my safe mode these days.

Got an idea last night on how to make the smaller fluid paintings a bit more “fancy” for displaying. Popped out to Joann’s for some supplies and after I artsy the fuck outta things, I think this will make the paintings a bit more interesting. *shrugs* We shall see.

In other news. I got a message from someone out of the blue that I’ve been searching for for like 16 years now! A very dear person whom I wanted in my life forever now because they are what I wish my own father was like. I sometimes would randomly look around the internet, hoping I could find them or someone that knew them so that I could get an address or email address so I could reconnect. I ended up finding only a different email address than the one I already had and sent them a note asking if they were whom I was looking for. Never got a response until yesterday!! I almost started crying when I saw it was really them! Hubby was just as happy, but more FOR me than with me. He knows how badly I wanted to find them, had begun to accept that they might have passed away, but each of the people searches I did never showed a death date so I figured they might still be with us. If they had passed, I wanted that information to have some closure. They were like a father figure to me, and considering how toxic my own relationship is at times, I really wanted to have them in my life. I gave them my phone number and hoping that I’ll hear from them soon. If I gotta pay money to fly them here, I totally will find a way to do it!

Shifting topics, my eyesight has caught up with my age in that I now need to wear reading glasses when I’m on my dying laptop and my phone. Meh, at least I look adorable in them, which I might add, is the most important point people!! I am determined to drown my anxiety, depression, and other mental crap with brightly colored nonsense and cuteness! If getting a giant stuffed unicorn rainbow sloth is going to make the mean voices in my head silent for just a few minutes while I snuggle with “Slothnado”, then bring on the giant rainbow plush sloths bitches!!!

Great………………Now I have to go look for giant rainbow sloth plushies.

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Moose nipples are totally a thing

I put that title up because no one freaking reads this blog as far as I know so I’m basically talking to myself here. I could shout about the many, many ways in which barnacle porn is the new hot fetish in SF or how a hippo once saved a sea captain during a terrible storm, and no one would know about it. Because I’m essentially invisible here. So I’m declaring that Moose nipples are not actual nipples but actually a new candy that taste like Batman eating a hot fudge sundae at the county fair because no one is here to stop me!!!

For anyone that IS reading this, ……..well hi.

Since I haven’t updated in like a year, let’s dust off the year and see what’s been happening. I’m still behaving with not eating tons of crap. Managed to lose 50 lbs and keep it off so far. I changed my hair color back to dark pink so its a bit more presentable if needed. Pigby and Daisy are doing fine, both are my wonderful little snuggle bugs. Pigby got a genetic test to see what breed she is and turns out she’s a full Staffy Terrier, aka a full pibble! She’s still skinny, so we’ve increased her food intake a bit to see if that works. She’s still snorty like a pig in a truffles field, but otherwise she’s amusingly healthy! Daisy is still very stump like, but I prefer my babies tubby. That way they’re too fat to run away and leave me.

Now for the more important stuff!! I finally graduated! I’ve got a degree now!! An expensive, kinda worthless studio art/ art history bachelors degree! YAY!!!!!!! LOL! last month, I decided to throw myself into mass panic by making art my career. So far I’ve opened up an Etsy shop, published a website, sold one painting to a family member, a print of another painting to a friend, and now I’m working on getting my business license. I’m also going to try to get booths at some local fairs so that’s why I needed the license. Hubby is helping me the entire way, but I’m still in charge of posting about my stuff. God how I hate promoting myself!! It’s one giant anxiety nightmare because I am more terrified by the silence than rejection. But promote it here I have! So there’s that!

Been working on a bunch of different paintings and illustrations. Basically, I’m trying to find my path, as usual. Mentally, I’m getting better. Feeling stronger, opening up more, and working harder at not continuing bad behaviors or routines. Meds seem to be working better now, health seems okay, and not missing sugar all that much………….well not AS much. Cutting sugar and junk really has helped so its hard not to acknowledge how I REALLY need to stick to healthier eating habits. But I’m still eating pizza!! I tried a Keto crust,……..and…….no. Everything else works out fine so far.

I don’t really have a clever witty way to end this post. But do I really have to be clever to just myself? I mean, I know that I’m legit cray cray, but does amusing only myself push me further in Crazy-town? Wait, is there a place called Crazy-town???!! Do they have mini golf or skee ball there? Is it called crazy because of the town or because of the people there? How’s the WiFi? Wonder if there are pibbles there that need a good home……….

Screaming Internal Head Monkeys would make a great band name!

Summer breaks really suck honestly. Like, they suck ridiculously massive sized bowls of dicks that are sucking other bowls of dicks, which makes for a disturbing image that now is probably going to haunt my dreams later. Let’s just say, there is a lot of sucking happening here people!!

For my summer art progress, I have managed to so far make one small fluid painting, and two color pencil drawings that helped me practice with the medium a bit. I’m now working on a Fiona Apple image that goes with my Tori Amos one I’m so in love with. I’m now, more then ever, convinced that I will need to get a studio outside the house that I can treat like a job that I go to because I NEED to not be just stuck here, mentally or otherwise. Better lighting, more space, and most importantly, OUTSIDE OF THE HOUSE!!!

I’ve got a bit of the Screaming Internal Head Monkeys today. I want to scream but its only going to freak out the dog and frighten the neighbors. Whenever I’m depressed AND bored, it becomes this toxic cocktail for my inner monologue. I feel like peeling my own skin off because its just twitchy and feels like its got things crawling around inside it. Body image issues blossom into ever so delightfully annoying mean girl voices singing a chorus of all the ways in which I suck. And finally, a cherry on top of this, I have too much mental energy that’s wrestling with my physical energy which feels like a 100 ton pound boulder chained to me.

So, to provide a visual representation of what my Screaming Internal Head Monkeys are making me feel like today I give you this:
giphy

Stupid asshole brain!! Just kinda want to randomly throw things or smash something. *sigh* Having ADD and depression fucking sucks, people!!!

I’ll be starting a new medication tomorrow. Yay. I have been taking Wellbutrin for several years now but noticed it wasn’t working as well. So my doctor decided to add Lexapro to see if it will boost my mood up a bit. Three months later and it hasn’t helped any. So I’m weening off the Lexapro and onto Cymbalta to see if that will help any. Was a bit annoyed to find out that my current insurance doesn’t cover my Adderall, so I’m going to be further off of it until next month when my new insurance starts. Then I can refill the prescription without having to pay over $100 for it!! (Oh, and go fuck yourselves Big Pharma and Insurance companies. You stink.) I also had to find a new primary physician because my previous one moved to a different office which has a membership fee of $149/ year, which I didn’t see as worth paying for. So found a new doctor closer to me and we shall see how she works out. I really liked my old doctor. She was so damn easy going! Oh well, maybe this one will be just as nice.

On a more happier note, I get to Lilymonster in almost a month. AND she gets to have grandma and grandpa time!!! I can’t wait to see her be the ball of joy that I love her for. Even though it’s only for a brief few days, seeing Mom having ALL of her grandkids around her will be worth it. I wish I had time to show her Star Wars or Labyrinth or something like that, but I don’t think it will work out. Another time I suppose! I just can’t wait to hug her and see her. That’s my joy at the moment.

I can’t figure out how to end this. I don’t have any kind of witty way or glitter bomb to drop that leaves this on an up note. So instead I’ll quote Bob’s Burgers:

“I was gonna hit you, but I’m holding wine!”

 

Brain dumps

Have you ever felt like there are things just crawling around under your skin that travel the paths of your own thoughts? Like, you’ll be laying there, trying to relax and then you’re struck by this intense need to just peel off your own skin because it feels so foreign and wrong and uncomfortable that you just can’t stand it anymore. Just rip it off like some Scooby Doo villain reveal.

Every inch of me I want to tear apart and start over. Head over to the body parts store, pick up all new parts like I’m rebuilding a car in my garage. New hair, new eyes, new torso, new arms, new butt, new knees, new spark plugs, the works! Earl Shine would paint my ass for $19.95!! I just want out of this skin. I know this is hormonal shift, depression wanting to beginning, anxiety linked to stress, and lack of a constant stable routine, but it is still annoying as hell.

I have been successful in keeping myself working on things. I got at least 2 of my elements paintings done or at least very close to done. I traced out the photos for my color pencil drawings today so that project is set to begin at some point next week. Once those are done, I’ll pull out the sewing machine. I have some fabric that I can use as right now I can’t buy anything. I hope I have thread, haven’t checked on that yet.

But skin crawlings is frustrating me. I need the weather to get better so I can go outside to just chill. You’re not helping weather!!! It’s almost June, act correctly! *pouts*

*deep breaths* I am one with the Force, and the Force is with me.

Fuck you skin.

The final stretch of winter freedom

Next week school starts again and my brain couldn’t be happier to be functionally active. Well, other than functioning as the internal voice of Damien high on his own ego and out for blood. Man, I seriously can NOT handle being without something to do!! Hubby being gone last week was yet another shiny example of how I’d fail miserably at being single. I barely left the house during that week. I did work on my elements paintings but I really only got one 95% done and started another one. I’m hoping to work more on them later in the week, but if its all crappy outside and the bed turns into “comfy bed”, its going to be damn difficult to drag my carcass out of the dreamy soft warmth. Well not too hard. Daisy’s dead weight of sleep will act as the forklift of momentum to get up as the pain of her awkward snuggling murders my back. That…….and the need to pee.

I have been making more digital collages lately. I am freaking in love with making these. I’m getting better at understanding how to use Photoshop by doing what I usually do in order to learn a program. A little technique I call “Button Smash”!! Basically, its just me hitting random features a bunch of different ways until I figure out how it works. This monkey doesn’t need expensive books to learn things! Youtube tutorials sometimes, but Button Smash is the best way to understand something complicated!! Poke something repetitively and eventually you figure out how to do it right. Just learn to love the “undo” feature with all your heart and soul, and all will be right in the world! Most of what I’ve done I put up on my Facebook page┬ábut like most addictive things, I’ll give the first taste for free.

family-tripmean-girls

Not too bad, right? Not perfect but I think that actually makes things more,………authentic I guess is the word. Like, if these were made from real physical images there would be flaws so having the digital versions being not absolutely perfectly put together makes them feel more real to me. I’m learning as I go along. Trying to build up a stockade of images to use too. Trying to be mindful to use more retro images or stock photos so as to not be a jackass. If I DO get contacted by someone, I’ll amend the image or just remove it all together. I actually prefer the retro/vintage stuff anyway. (its already ridiculous in appearance on their own) I get to build surreal universes!!! A world of nonsense all the my fingertips and click of a mouse! And it’s not porn!!!!!

When school starts, I’ll feel a bit better probably. The brainmeats will quiet down a bit so my depression will roll back somewhat. I’m also getting a home gym this month so that I can come home from school each day and workout. That should help since exercise is supposed to, but sweating makes me more angry than happy. Damn I miss my old gym in LA where I had a steam room to sit in! I don’t care for a sauna all that much but a steam room was just so freaking awesome! Its a big bowl of donkey dicks that I can’t seem to find a gym close to my house that has one. *kicks dirt* Stupid gyms. So I’ll have a gym at home to stare me directly in the face, and therefore, absolutely ZERO excuse for doing something! I turn 40 this year and I hate how I look. I need to do something, mostly so that I can once again be able to take a photo of myself without wanting to hide in some Cavern of Sadness forever. I’m broken, so its time to start gluing pieces back together.