Screaming Internal Head Monkeys would make a great band name!

Summer breaks really suck honestly. Like, they suck ridiculously massive sized bowls of dicks that are sucking other bowls of dicks, which makes for a disturbing image that now is probably going to haunt my dreams later. Let’s just say, there is a lot of sucking happening here people!!

For my summer art progress, I have managed to so far make one small fluid painting, and two color pencil drawings that helped me practice with the medium a bit. I’m now working on a Fiona Apple image that goes with my Tori Amos one I’m so in love with. I’m now, more then ever, convinced that I will need to get a studio outside the house that I can treat like a job that I go to because I NEED to not be just stuck here, mentally or otherwise. Better lighting, more space, and most importantly, OUTSIDE OF THE HOUSE!!!

I’ve got a bit of the Screaming Internal Head Monkeys today. I want to scream but its only going to freak out the dog and frighten the neighbors. Whenever I’m depressed AND bored, it becomes this toxic cocktail for my inner monologue. I feel like peeling my own skin off because its just twitchy and feels like its got things crawling around inside it. Body image issues blossom into ever so delightfully annoying mean girl voices singing a chorus of all the ways in which I suck. And finally, a cherry on top of this, I have too much mental energy that’s wrestling with my physical energy which feels like a 100 ton pound boulder chained to me.

So, to provide a visual representation of what my Screaming Internal Head Monkeys are making me feel like today I give you this:
giphy

Stupid asshole brain!! Just kinda want to randomly throw things or smash something. *sigh* Having ADD and depression fucking sucks, people!!!

I’ll be starting a new medication tomorrow. Yay. I have been taking Wellbutrin for several years now but noticed it wasn’t working as well. So my doctor decided to add Lexapro to see if it will boost my mood up a bit. Three months later and it hasn’t helped any. So I’m weening off the Lexapro and onto Cymbalta to see if that will help any. Was a bit annoyed to find out that my current insurance doesn’t cover my Adderall, so I’m going to be further off of it until next month when my new insurance starts. Then I can refill the prescription without having to pay over $100 for it!! (Oh, and go fuck yourselves Big Pharma and Insurance companies. You stink.) I also had to find a new primary physician because my previous one moved to a different office which has a membership fee of $149/ year, which I didn’t see as worth paying for. So found a new doctor closer to me and we shall see how she works out. I really liked my old doctor. She was so damn easy going! Oh well, maybe this one will be just as nice.

On a more happier note, I get to Lilymonster in almost a month. AND she gets to have grandma and grandpa time!!! I can’t wait to see her be the ball of joy that I love her for. Even though it’s only for a brief few days, seeing Mom having ALL of her grandkids around her will be worth it. I wish I had time to show her Star Wars or Labyrinth or something like that, but I don’t think it will work out. Another time I suppose! I just can’t wait to hug her and see her. That’s my joy at the moment.

I can’t figure out how to end this. I don’t have any kind of witty way or glitter bomb to drop that leaves this on an up note. So instead I’ll quote Bob’s Burgers:

“I was gonna hit you, but I’m holding wine!”

 

Brain dumps

Have you ever felt like there are things just crawling around under your skin that travel the paths of your own thoughts? Like, you’ll be laying there, trying to relax and then you’re struck by this intense need to just peel off your own skin because it feels so foreign and wrong and uncomfortable that you just can’t stand it anymore. Just rip it off like some Scooby Doo villain reveal.

Every inch of me I want to tear apart and start over. Head over to the body parts store, pick up all new parts like I’m rebuilding a car in my garage. New hair, new eyes, new torso, new arms, new butt, new knees, new spark plugs, the works! Earl Shine would paint my ass for $19.95!! I just want out of this skin. I know this is hormonal shift, depression wanting to beginning, anxiety linked to stress, and lack of a constant stable routine, but it is still annoying as hell.

I have been successful in keeping myself working on things. I got at least 2 of my elements paintings done or at least very close to done. I traced out the photos for my color pencil drawings today so that project is set to begin at some point next week. Once those are done, I’ll pull out the sewing machine. I have some fabric that I can use as right now I can’t buy anything. I hope I have thread, haven’t checked on that yet.

But skin crawlings is frustrating me. I need the weather to get better so I can go outside to just chill. You’re not helping weather!!! It’s almost June, act correctly! *pouts*

*deep breaths* I am one with the Force, and the Force is with me.

Fuck you skin.

Projects, projects, projects, keeps the insanity away!

Another semester is down and only one left to go! This one was pretty light in the way of work, but the stress was most certainly there. Hit a financial snag right at the start of it, thanks to the actions of a sick individual that I’d LOVE nothing more than to see ripped apart by a pack of starving crazed weasels with rabies. (Karma, come on! I believe its your turn up to bat, buddy!) The ceramics class was fun, frustrating, but cool to play with. I ended up with half a bag of clay left over so I’ll have to figure out what to do with, as well as how to fire it.

Drawing class was extremely frustrating, but I did however get to learn how to use color pencils better and THAT has inspired a massive urge to play with them more. The final assignment was to do a photo copy replica of an image based on other artists who work with color pencils. I picked an image of one of my obsessions, Tori Amos. I discovered her music in 1994, right at a time when I was trying to block out all of things that were tearing me apart. Her music got me through some of my toughest moments; moments when I was so close to not surviving them. Her songs were like the caring hugs that I needed during those times. When I turned 21, I got the piano notes of one of her songs tattooed on my right ankle with her favorite flowers wrapped around the notes. (Side note: Fiona Apple has also become just as important as Tori to me. Her stuff has been the rope I grab onto during dark moments. I plan on getting one of her songs tattooed on the other ankle) So when I needed to do a photo to draw, she was the first thing that came to mind. I chose an older image of Tori from around the time I discovered her to do as I figured it was fitting. It turned out amazing in my opinion. Several people in class mentioned how much they thought it looked good, and because of it I want to do more drawing like it. Here’s the image for all to enjoy. (Or at least those that actually read this blog.)
IMG_20170516_103434887

I think I did an amazing job, so I don’t care what anyone else says. Its my first time working with color pencils and I got a chance to understand how to color properly. Over the summer break, one of my personal tasks is to do at least three of these so that I can practice.

Speaking of summer plans, the scheduling of projects has begun so that I don’t lose my mind. I think I’m going to actually print up a work schedule so that I can stick to a routine, which always makes for a less crazy Strange Child! I’ve got my parents 50th in July, so I’ve got some crafting decorations to make. The projects I want to work on are as follows:
Finish my four elements paintings
3 Color pencil drawings
Sewing practice
New front door wreath
Eye flower bouquets
art studio organization
Random abstract artworks
clitoris sculpture for cousin

I will have to also schedule in workouts, getting out of the house (maybe even with Daisy), and hopefully some reading. The sewing practice is to help me prepare for the Doctor Who convention that we’ll be going to in February. I need to plan and make my costumes I want to cosplay. So excited for that! Hubby is also going to cosplay! EEEEEEEE! (happy dance) I’m going to have to make a dress form which I’m not looking forward to. (Oh yay, I get to look at a physical sculpture of my fat carcass.) I want to attempt a dress at the very least. I can get through a circle skirt so far, and I’ve got some throw pillows that need to be finished, but if I can manage a dress I’m gold!

So many projects!! Hopefully I will be able to be too busy to let the brain demons attack me. I don’t want to sink, so I’m laying out the ropes before the water gets too high.

The worst Oscars life reel would be mine.

I know this might be shocking but I’m crazy. Not “oh cool, the aliens in my toaster are repainting the walls again” kind of crazy, but the kind that still warrants keeping an eye on oneself. I think of it as being more like a jigsaw puzzle that is frequently put together, missing a few pieces, or has pieces of another puzzle mixed in. Recently got diagnosed with ADD, which runs through my family like lactose through the intolerant. Whenever our dog Daisy goes bonkers, we say that she’s got “head bees”, so in a way, I’ve got my own head bees. As well as head goblins. To put it simply, the inside of my head hovers between the chocolate room in the Wonka factory and Silent Hill on a rainy day, with random useless knowledge popping up like VH1’s Pop Up Video.

Recently during my usual struggle with my brain’s refusal to shut up when its time to go to sleep, I wandered over mentally into my memories. Memories of how long have I really been dealing with this bullshit. So here’s where it gets personal people!! Prepare for the realness!! This list is kind of crappy when you think about it, but its just what it is. I’ll admit that it will make for the WORST “this is your life” reel for the Oscars. Feel free to skip it if you don’t want to know. I’ll understand. It’s lacking in glitter ponies so I can’t really blame you for skipping it:

  • At age 6, I was bullied for my glasses and my emotional sensitivity. I begin hating what I look like.
  • At age 9, the first time that voice tells me that I was worthless, and that no one cared about me. It was the first time I felt invisible.
  • At age 11, I heard the whisper to be dead.
  • At age 12, my household started getting………..different. I began experiencing anxiety issues as a result of many of these shifts, as well as the toxicity within it.
  • At age 13, I hurt myself for the first time. Small scratches, but enough to trigger a mental sense of relief when I did it.
  • At age 14, I become involved in a physically abusive relationship, later sexually assaulted. Not much longer, my first suicide attempt. I try to slit my wrists at school. My mother’s response was, shall we say, inappropriate. I never told anyone about the abuse or the assault until I was in my thirties.
  • Between ages 15-18, whatever it took to numb myself emotionally. Dabbling in drugs and always believing that I meant nothing to no one.
  • At age 19, I came close to committing suicide again after a painful breakup with yet another emotionally harmful relationship. Had the pills in my hand, but a letter from a friend made me laugh so hard I cried and I didn’t stop crying for a few hours which got me to pull away from the edge.
  • Age 30, after dealing with some other issues I reach my mental breaking point when I locked myself in my bathroom to prevent myself from punching my fist through a window in order to cut my wrists open. I finally decide to seek therapy.
  • Age 37 diagnosed properly with ADD with chronic depression and an anxiety disorder.  Medicated and therapy becomes part of my life.

See! The audience is now all uncomfortable and desperately wants to sneak out to the lobby to get some M&Ms or popcorn. My therapist recommended to me years ago that talking openly about my struggles helps take the shame I associate with my craziness. She said that asking for help is the strongest act I can take, so saying to people, “Hey, so yeah I know that most of the time I’m all rainbows and shenanigans, but underneath all this is a scared little girl that thinks that everyone hates her because she cries, so I could really use some love right now otherwise I might just walk over to that edge and not stop.” I guess this is why I love Catherine Tate’s Donna Noble from Doctor Who. She put up this facade of snark because deep down she believed that she was worthless.
17522897_1336657633055591_8966408900149772778_n I frequently find Hubby and me having this very conversation. Made even more amusing that he has a doctorate so he’s my own Doctor. Minus the Tardis of course. But he reminds me that I am, for him, the most important person in all of the known universes. Once again, The Doctor saves me. Only its my doctor. Have GOT to figure out how to get him to make me a Tardis. He’s smart, so I’m sure he could figure it out.

So the voice has started up again recently, whispering lies, and I push against them. Its exhausting sometimes. But, I push on. Numb, but push on. Lather, rinse repeat. I’ll get my glitter back again. The sparks will fly and the chocolate factory will overflow with delights. Great, now I want candy! I might need to hit a candy store this weekend. Get me a big ass bag of diabetes!! Candy glitters people. Just go with me on this.

Crafty little bitch!

I totally forgot to show off the crafty stuff I’ve made lately! I suck I know. I’ve just been distracted by school and a few life things going on at the moment. Please forgive me! I’ll make a cake if you want. I’ll be better I promise!

Now, onto the crafts! Back in December, I made two head pieces for my outfits for Dickens Christmas Faire. One is a headband and the other is a hat. I think I’ll have to redo the hat as I’m not completely happy with how it turned out. The headband however turned out awesome in my opinion. It was for a Harry Potter invasion we were doing and I needed to sport my Ravenclaw pride people!! I couldn’t quite get the outfit together that I wanted but the headband was my favorite thing as it turned out so freaking cool!! I grabbed an ordinary headband, wrapped a gorgeous peacock glitter ribbon around it, and then glued a collection of feathers and other decorations to the one side to create a sort of fascinator. Took me about 90 minutes to put it all together and a bunch of hot glue.

15219525_10154289036117561_6760932122752922304_n
Nailed it!!

The hat: I used an old Mickey Mouse top hat Hubby and I got for one of our anniversaries for the base. I ripped the plastic ears off and punched a few holes in random spots of the hat. The intention was to make it look like the hat has tentacles bursting out of it. My obsession with tentacles means that I have an assortment of those finger puppet tentacles which run about $10 for 7 on Archie McPhee, a great source for cheap cheesy stuff! I found a bunch of sea shells, pearls, a seaweed looking sequin thing, a toy octopus, and some feathers to decorate the hat. I punched the tentacles into the holes and glued them down on the inside of the hat to secure them. I wrapped the hat with a striped ribbon and hot glued all the rest of the things to the hat. Unfortunately, the hat is kind of cheap (shocking, I know, as its Disney and they ONLY sell top quality items all the time) and the glue wasn’t sticking to the plastic items all the well. When I finally got the damn octopus to stay put on the front of the hat, the glue was all showing so I just had to take a deep breathe and not throw it across the room so I could go off and berate myself for being such a failure at making an awesome hat. I texted Hubby and he fawned all over it and it made me feel better. I will try to make a better one for this year’s faire along with a better outfit. Just need to plan ahead better. But anyhoo here’s the final result:

15219374_10154289305757561_7853585944790688334_n
Behold the Octopus top hat!

This week, I finally got around to putting together my creepy kitchen garden with the doll parts that I’ve been collecting from the flea market. Air plants and succulents make up the garden at the moment along with basil seeds waiting to grow up. Making the planters out of the doll heads is pretty easy. Just stuff an air plant in whatever opening available or grab a box cutter and make an opening wider. Air plants don’t require soil so they’re the best things to use. Bonus: the twisted tendrils of the plant make it just look freaking creepy as fuck! Here’s the final results:

I have two more heads to play with but I have no more room on the counter as you can see. I’ll have to get a few more succulent plants for the front yard and I’ll use the heads then. For the time being, it just means that I’ll have to go back to the flea markets to get more creepy doll parts. No, no, please don’t make me.

I will also be using my ceramics class this semester to make some planters as well when I saw a few examples at the Conservatory of Flowers gift shop today that look easy enough to create. Having something to do is making for a better head space these days. I hate the world right now as its becoming a deeply scary place to be in. I need art and craft projects to prevent me from falling off an edge, or at the very least, having daily panic attacks. I make things so I don’t murder the world.

The final stretch of winter freedom

Next week school starts again and my brain couldn’t be happier to be functionally active. Well, other than functioning as the internal voice of Damien high on his own ego and out for blood. Man, I seriously can NOT handle being without something to do!! Hubby being gone last week was yet another shiny example of how I’d fail miserably at being single. I barely left the house during that week. I did work on my elements paintings but I really only got one 95% done and started another one. I’m hoping to work more on them later in the week, but if its all crappy outside and the bed turns into “comfy bed”, its going to be damn difficult to drag my carcass out of the dreamy soft warmth. Well not too hard. Daisy’s dead weight of sleep will act as the forklift of momentum to get up as the pain of her awkward snuggling murders my back. That…….and the need to pee.

I have been making more digital collages lately. I am freaking in love with making these. I’m getting better at understanding how to use Photoshop by doing what I usually do in order to learn a program. A little technique I call “Button Smash”!! Basically, its just me hitting random features a bunch of different ways until I figure out how it works. This monkey doesn’t need expensive books to learn things! Youtube tutorials sometimes, but Button Smash is the best way to understand something complicated!! Poke something repetitively and eventually you figure out how to do it right. Just learn to love the “undo” feature with all your heart and soul, and all will be right in the world! Most of what I’ve done I put up on my Facebook page but like most addictive things, I’ll give the first taste for free.

family-tripmean-girls

Not too bad, right? Not perfect but I think that actually makes things more,………authentic I guess is the word. Like, if these were made from real physical images there would be flaws so having the digital versions being not absolutely perfectly put together makes them feel more real to me. I’m learning as I go along. Trying to build up a stockade of images to use too. Trying to be mindful to use more retro images or stock photos so as to not be a jackass. If I DO get contacted by someone, I’ll amend the image or just remove it all together. I actually prefer the retro/vintage stuff anyway. (its already ridiculous in appearance on their own) I get to build surreal universes!!! A world of nonsense all the my fingertips and click of a mouse! And it’s not porn!!!!!

When school starts, I’ll feel a bit better probably. The brainmeats will quiet down a bit so my depression will roll back somewhat. I’m also getting a home gym this month so that I can come home from school each day and workout. That should help since exercise is supposed to, but sweating makes me more angry than happy. Damn I miss my old gym in LA where I had a steam room to sit in! I don’t care for a sauna all that much but a steam room was just so freaking awesome! Its a big bowl of donkey dicks that I can’t seem to find a gym close to my house that has one. *kicks dirt* Stupid gyms. So I’ll have a gym at home to stare me directly in the face, and therefore, absolutely ZERO excuse for doing something! I turn 40 this year and I hate how I look. I need to do something, mostly so that I can once again be able to take a photo of myself without wanting to hide in some Cavern of Sadness forever. I’m broken, so its time to start gluing pieces back together.

Fuck you wind!

I’ve always hated really windy storms. I don’t particularly care for thunder storms either but I can mentally process THAT noise, but wind? I’m as much a wimp about wind as Daisy is about the vacuum cleaner. Growing up, my bedroom was in the back of the house. In the yard we used to have a HUGE palm tree that I think was at least 2-3 stories high. When the Santa Ana winds or a really bad windy storm would hit, that blasted tree would sway and loudly creak. It used to cause me massive panic in my youth that it would suddenly snap and come crashing through the roof of my bedroom. When the Northridge earthquake hit in 95, our backyard wall and awning fell so my folks decided to gut the tree thankfully. But ever since then, I now go into full panic mode about really huge gusts of wind.

Here in CA we’re finally getting some proper rain and last night was an intense storm that felt like the world outside was trying to get in. It was so bad I could hear the vent over the stove rattling. So of course, this triggered a panic attack. Haven’t had one of those bastards in awhile. It probably hit because I’m alone this week as Hubby is on a business trip. I locked myself and Daisy in the bedroom, blared Sherlock on my laptop while I did some drawings hoping to subside the anxiety. But once I noticed it was almost 1 am, I decided to go to bed. The storm had died down so I figured I’d be okay.

Apparently, my brainmeats didn’t get the memo! It started spinning about me dying, the weight on my chest turned into a boulder, the heart started running a marathon, and I started crying. Managed to after about an hour of deep breaths and mentally screaming at myself to go the fuck to sleep, my brainmeats decided to chill the fuck out.

So yeah, fuck you wind. You suck AND you blow. Eat a bowl of dicks wind.

0868c2a92686385c5356940e9523b6b3