Lamest Apocalypse Ever!

Holy shitballs Deadpool! It’s been almost and entire year since I last updated this. To be fair, I have been completely not busy. But just in case there are people who are interested, which I’m sure there isn’t, I’ll just begin with the highlights and then move on to the main show.

Tried to make art my “full time” gig, and didn’t do very well. Appeared at a couple different events, sold a couple pieces, but over all I wasn’t too successful. Hubby and I had an agreement that I would give it one year and then it was back to “adulting” since he’s the only one bringing in the finances and that’s a bit too much of a burden all on his shoulders. Unfortunately, just as I was starting to, the freaking world developed a plague so I’m stuck. (*pouts*  Me and and fucking timing) During this time of being in the Nothing, I worked on my illustrations, improving my graphic design skills, and trying very hard to not spiral. I had a bad March as the sudden lack of human contact basically dick slapped me in the mental health nutsack. (There’s a visual!)  I broke at one point. Felt like a human shaped cement block walking around. My ADD was all over the map, meaning I had brain fog and the attention span of a hamster unless I was on my phone, then my focus was in LOCK-DOWN on whatever was on the screen. I had completely forgotten the rule I had set up for myself about curbing my phone usage during the evening so that my focus was on my surroundings not the phone. Routines, rules, and plans are annoyingly a very important part of functioning properly for me. I may be an adorable glittery ball of whimsical chaos that smells of freshly baked cookies most of the time, but the chaos has to be reign in most of the time. But my inner Happy Fun Ball is getting the hang of working WITH the system to make it her own as opposed to avoiding it entirely.

Onto other more geeky fun news, our annual trip to Gallifrey One Doctor Who convention in LA this year was fun!! The 9th Doctor, Christopher Eccleston was there! I got him to sign a Pop figure that I got EXTREMELY lucky to find in the dealer’s room. That line is gone and with it being signed, I’m NEVER giving that thing up! (Especially after I spent literally over 4 hours waiting in line to see him.) Pearl Mackie, who brilliantly played companion Bill, was also there and she was just adorable! I didn’t go as crazy as I wanted to in dealer’s room because of finances, but luckily our tax refund happened to drop while we were there so Hubby took me out to the fancy steakhouse the hotel has for a Valentine’s Day dinner. (Boneyard Bistro remains the best steak I’ve ever had) We had made some friends while at the most recent Dickens Faire who were also going to the convention. They’re amazing at cosplaying so I am filled with geeky glee seeing what they come up with! The con also happened to fall during the time new episodes were airing so we got to watch the Mary Shelley episode on the last day of the convention with a bunch of us in the room hanging out. *Small fangirl rant: I LOVE 13, and I think her second season was much stronger than her first, which is usually the case. I do think she’d benefit more with a female showrunner, but I just roll my eyes at most of the criticism. It just feels like some fans are looking for flaws yet ignoring the fact that the male versions ALSO did those things and were celebrated. Ugh, 2020 is once again highlighting how ingrained sexism is across the board. Rant done*  Gally is the only con I really get a chance to get to and I love it! Already got our tickets for next year, provided the world isn’t still being Grounded.

Speaking of the apocalypse, I’m honestly glad it isn’t zombies. I really am! I’m not a runner, and I’m a total fucking coward so I’m totally gonna end up being zombie jelly. I could do without the rampant stupidity in this country. Its that hard of a concept to just fucking stay home. You all can thank Generation X for coming up the technology and ideas that have made this FAR easier than it would have been if this had happened in the 90’s. YOU’RE WELCOME, BTW!! Our generation is the last one to know what to do with ourselves on our own because we were raised that way. Most of us either had 2 parents working or one, so majority of us were “latchkey”, myself included. When we came home from school, we usually had a couple hours to ourselves. We had video games, movies, cable tv, our bikes, etc to go off and do whatever we wanted to as long as we were home “before the street lights came on”. We had chores to help out our working parents run the house. We even had to learn how to cook and do laundry on our own. So this is why X’ers are handling this SO MUCH better than most. My idiot parents who are high risk are “behaving” but my dad does go out and most of the time not with a mask, because “its hard to breathe with it on” *facepalm, screaming internally* So if anyone is going to get sick its going to be my mother, however since she’s decided that the best way to prevent herself from murdering my father is basically avoid him, she sleeps all day while he’s awake, and then spends all night by herself. To be blunt, my mother decided to be nocturnal so as to reduce the urge to smother my father in his sleep. *sigh*

I watch as little news as possible. Mainly for sanity purposes, but also because there simply isn’t enough rawhides in the world for me to gnaw on as while that fat orange racist kills us all. He’s so unbelievably stupid and ignorant and lacks even a smidgen of empathy because there isn’t enough room beyond his massive completely unearned ego. Yes, you might say I do not care for him. I try to hold onto this sliver of hope that we’ll kick his ass out, along with his all of his buddies and lackies, and start to fix all the carnage that this cockmuffin has committed. So while this lame apocalypse is going on, my life is this: making art, cleaning the house, taking care of the murder dogs, updating my artwork site, and only screaming into a pillow once a day that in November that stupidest man in the world will finally hear the world tell him to “fuck off”.

“Rebellions are built on hope”, as the saying goes. This all shall pass.

The worst Oscars life reel would be mine.

I know this might be shocking but I’m crazy. Not “oh cool, the aliens in my toaster are repainting the walls again” kind of crazy, but the kind that still warrants keeping an eye on oneself. I think of it as being more like a jigsaw puzzle that is frequently put together, missing a few pieces, or has pieces of another puzzle mixed in. Recently got diagnosed with ADD, which runs through my family like lactose through the intolerant. Whenever our dog Daisy goes bonkers, we say that she’s got “head bees”, so in a way, I’ve got my own head bees. As well as head goblins. To put it simply, the inside of my head hovers between the chocolate room in the Wonka factory and Silent Hill on a rainy day, with random useless knowledge popping up like VH1’s Pop Up Video.

Recently during my usual struggle with my brain’s refusal to shut up when its time to go to sleep, I wandered over mentally into my memories. Memories of how long have I really been dealing with this bullshit. My therapist recommended to me years ago that talking openly about my struggles helps take away the shame I associate with my craziness. She said that asking for help is the strongest act I can take, so saying to people, “Hey, so yeah I know that most of the time I’m all rainbows and shenanigans, but underneath all this is a scared little girl that thinks that everyone hates her because she cries easily and is secretly scared of almost everything, so I could really use some love right now otherwise I might just walk over to that edge and not stop.” I guess this is why I love Catherine Tate’s Donna Noble from Doctor Who. She put up this facade of snark because deep down she believed that she was worthless.
 I frequently find Hubby and me having this very conversation. Made even more amusing that he has a doctorate so he’s my own Doctor. Minus the Tardis of course. But he reminds me that I am, for him, the most important person in all of the known universes. Once again, The Doctor saves me. Only its my doctor. Have GOT to figure out how to get him to make me a Tardis. He’s smart, so I’m sure he could figure it out.

So the voice has started up again recently, whispering lies, and I push against them. Its exhausting sometimes. But, I push on. Numb, but push on. Lather, rinse repeat. I’ll get my glitter back again. The sparks will fly and the chocolate factory will overflow with delights. Great, now I want candy! I might need to hit a candy store this weekend. Get me a big ass bag of diabetes!! Candy glitters people. Just go with me on this.

The final stretch of winter freedom

Next week school starts again and my brain couldn’t be happier to be functionally active. Well, other than functioning as the internal voice of Damien high on his own ego and out for blood. Man, I seriously can NOT handle being without something to do!! Hubby being gone last week was yet another shiny example of how I’d fail miserably at being single. I barely left the house during that week. I did work on my elements paintings but I really only got one 95% done and started another one. I’m hoping to work more on them later in the week, but if its all crappy outside and the bed turns into “comfy bed”, its going to be damn difficult to drag my carcass out of the dreamy soft warmth. Well not too hard. Daisy’s dead weight of sleep will act as the forklift of momentum to get up as the pain of her awkward snuggling murders my back. That…….and the need to pee.

I have been making more digital collages lately. I am freaking in love with making these. I’m getting better at understanding how to use Photoshop by doing what I usually do in order to learn a program. A little technique I call “Button Smash”!! Basically, its just me hitting random features a bunch of different ways until I figure out how it works. This monkey doesn’t need expensive books to learn things! Youtube tutorials sometimes, but Button Smash is the best way to understand something complicated!! Poke something repetitively and eventually you figure out how to do it right. Just learn to love the “undo” feature with all your heart and soul, and all will be right in the world! Most of what I’ve done I put up on my Facebook page but like most addictive things, I’ll give the first taste for free.

Not too bad, right? Not perfect but I think that actually makes things more,………authentic I guess is the word. Like, if these were made from real physical images there would be flaws so having the digital versions being not absolutely perfectly put together makes them feel more real to me. I’m learning as I go along. Trying to build up a stockade of images to use too. Trying to be mindful to use more retro images or stock photos so as to not be a jackass. If I DO get contacted by someone, I’ll amend the image or just remove it all together. I actually prefer the retro/vintage stuff anyway. (its already ridiculous in appearance on their own) I get to build surreal universes!!! A world of nonsense all the my fingertips and click of a mouse! And it’s not porn!!!!!

When school starts, I’ll feel a bit better probably. The brainmeats will quiet down a bit so my depression will roll back somewhat. I’m also getting a home gym this month so that I can come home from school each day and workout. That should help since exercise is supposed to, but sweating makes me more angry than happy. Damn I miss my old gym in LA where I had a steam room to sit in! I don’t care for a sauna all that much but a steam room was just so freaking awesome! Its a big bowl of donkey dicks that I can’t seem to find a gym close to my house that has one. *kicks dirt* Stupid gyms. So I’ll have a gym at home to stare me directly in the face, and therefore, absolutely ZERO excuse for doing something! I turn 40 this year and I hate how I look. I need to do something, mostly so that I can once again be able to take a photo of myself without wanting to hide in some Cavern of Sadness forever. I’m broken, so its time to start gluing pieces back together.

Winter break update

I haven’t had a chance to do any writing recently but I’ve finally got a moment to get some of the buzzing around in my head out.
First a quick school update:
Hooray! Another semester is done and I can go back to my normal shenanigans. I am beyond glad that this semester is over because the stress it caused me along with the crap fest that 2016 was made going to school feel like a trek through the Swamp of Sadness. Only 2 more left until I have my degree.

Now, onto the State of Strange Child:
Ugh. 2016 was such a royal bitch wasn’t it?! Losing John so suddenly was difficult as being so distant I felt helpless. I wanted to jump on a plane and run out there to be there for her and her daddy. But I couldn’t. I couldn’t even make it out for the memorial because of school. The depression from the summer break didn’t quite go away either. It lingered like a fart in the air. I was constantly feeling like a failure and that I was grasping at straws to get stuff done. I got B’s in both of my general ed classes and it STILL bugs me that I see this as a fail. I feel like I busted my ass in both of those classes yet I didn’t excel like I normally do. (Stupid ADD brain) That’s another thing that’s getting to me. I may need to have my meds adjusted as I feel, …….off. I want to do a billion things, but don’t have enough time to get it all done. So many art projects, cooking ideas, exercise I need to do, books to read, movies to watch, etc. Just not enough hours in the day. Plus Hubby will pout about missing me.
I really miss being able to have weed too. Ever since that horrific experience in February, I’ve stayed away from it because I’m terrified of it happening again. But I desperately miss that warm glowing feeling it gave me that allowed me to just relax and be in the moment. I would feel so happy and carefree. I get that way when I’m buzzed on booze, but the hangover is horrific. With weed I wake up the next day totally chill and ridiculously well rested. Hubby is annoyed that I haven’t gotten my card yet. Says I just need to “vagina up” and do it. He even told me about some mobile app that would allow me to do it over the phone. I am just terrified of doing it. I know its easy, and that its not that big of a deal, but the thought of me having to go into one of the offices to get one of the cards paralyzes me for some reason. I  just want to feel that moment of fuzzy happiness where I just don’t give a shit about anything other than laughing and having something tasty. Hell, when I had some while Hubby was away on business to help keep me calm while I’m all by myself I’d draw up a storm! I’d throw something on Netflix on, sit on the bed, draw while sort of paying attention, and then look up to realize that it was 2am. He’s going on another trip soon. It’d be nice if I could be able to have that again.

I should write here more often I know. Especially about my art. I have gotten better with my painting. This semester I learned how to better do the fluid painting so I’ll be able to play with that more efficiently where I’m not blowing through paint like before. I also learned how to do transfers so now when I draw something, I don’t have to try to recreate it again onto the canvas, I can just trace it with transfer paper! Saves my mental health so damn much learning this!!!!! Also, I learned how to do digital collages in Photoshop! Oh sweet Chuck I love doing those!! I will need to learn more about Photoshop so I think I’ll try to find some sort of tutorial book so that I can really get good at them. Next semester I’m playing with ceramics again so perhaps I’ll be able to make some cool things there too. For now, I’m working on a 4 painting series of the four elements: fire, water, air and water. Got them all drawn onto the canvases and ready to paint. I hope to have those done by the end of next week. I’m hoping to do at least one drawing every night that Hubby is gone to keep my skills up. I feel like I’m slacking in that area right now.

A new year. It already is going to be hard considering the state of the US being run by an orange shitgibbon with a super sensitive ego and congress of jackasses. But then again, maybe we need this shit fest in order to better ourselves. Who knows. I just want to make pretty things, watch Star Wars, laugh, and learn new things.