Shameless self promotion!

Hey! Yeah, you!! If you read my blog, and just so happen to live in the SF Bay Area, spend some time outside in Alameda this holiday weekend while shopping tons of arts and crafts, and drop by my booth to pick up some awesome art!! I’ll even pose with you in a selfie if you feel like being near me is like being near Heaven. Because it is. Its exactly like that. I swear. I have been known to strike people speechless. Mostly because of something I said, but THAT’S NOT THE POINT KAREN!! (apologies to any Karens out there, I’m sure you’re lovely)

My booth is right across from the information booth, so I’m easy to find! Please come out, otherwise I’m going to cry. And NO ONE wants to see that! Yup, totally laying on the guilt! If you don’t buy art, you’re letting the terrorists win! (I know, but I’m trying people!)

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Preparing requires lots of rum

In about 2 weeks, I’ll be setting up a canopy in Alameda, CA for my first art fair. Getting several of my fluid paintings, illustrations, and photos all set up to unleash upon the masses in hopes that they’ll pay me to take it with them. I’m nervous and completely overwhelmed. My ADD is cackling at all the chaos it’s flinging at me, the little fucking bastard. I have to keep reminding myself that I do NOT need to add more to the piles of things that I need to bring or whatever. I am hoping that there is enough rum and weed in the world that can help keep me from running away to hide because honestly, hiding is currently my safe mode these days.

Got an idea last night on how to make the smaller fluid paintings a bit more “fancy” for displaying. Popped out to Joann’s for some supplies and after I artsy the fuck outta things, I think this will make the paintings a bit more interesting. *shrugs* We shall see.

In other news. I got a message from someone out of the blue that I’ve been searching for for like 16 years now! A very dear person whom I wanted in my life forever now because they are what I wish my own father was like. I sometimes would randomly look around the internet, hoping I could find them or someone that knew them so that I could get an address or email address so I could reconnect. I ended up finding only a different email address than the one I already had and sent them a note asking if they were whom I was looking for. Never got a response until yesterday!! I almost started crying when I saw it was really them! Hubby was just as happy, but more FOR me than with me. He knows how badly I wanted to find them, had begun to accept that they might have passed away, but each of the people searches I did never showed a death date so I figured they might still be with us. If they had passed, I wanted that information to have some closure. They were like a father figure to me, and considering how toxic my own relationship is at times, I really wanted to have them in my life. I gave them my phone number and hoping that I’ll hear from them soon. If I gotta pay money to fly them here, I totally will find a way to do it!

Shifting topics, my eyesight has caught up with my age in that I now need to wear reading glasses when I’m on my dying laptop and my phone. Meh, at least I look adorable in them, which I might add, is the most important point people!! I am determined to drown my anxiety, depression, and other mental crap with brightly colored nonsense and cuteness! If getting a giant stuffed unicorn rainbow sloth is going to make the mean voices in my head silent for just a few minutes while I snuggle with “Slothnado”, then bring on the giant rainbow plush sloths bitches!!!

Great………………Now I have to go look for giant rainbow sloth plushies.

Moose nipples are totally a thing

I put that title up because no one freaking reads this blog as far as I know so I’m basically talking to myself here. I could shout about the many, many ways in which barnacle porn is the new hot fetish in SF or how a hippo once saved a sea captain during a terrible storm, and no one would know about it. Because I’m essentially invisible here. So I’m declaring that Moose nipples are not actual nipples but actually a new candy that taste like Batman eating a hot fudge sundae at the county fair because no one is here to stop me!!!

For anyone that IS reading this, ……..well hi.

Since I haven’t updated in like a year, let’s dust off the year and see what’s been happening. I’m still behaving with not eating tons of crap. Managed to lose 50 lbs and keep it off so far. I changed my hair color back to dark pink so its a bit more presentable if needed. Pigby and Daisy are doing fine, both are my wonderful little snuggle bugs. Pigby got a genetic test to see what breed she is and turns out she’s a full Staffy Terrier, aka a full pibble! She’s still skinny, so we’ve increased her food intake a bit to see if that works. She’s still snorty like a pig in a truffles field, but otherwise she’s amusingly healthy! Daisy is still very stump like, but I prefer my babies tubby. That way they’re too fat to run away and leave me.

Now for the more important stuff!! I finally graduated! I’ve got a degree now!! An expensive, kinda worthless studio art/ art history bachelors degree! YAY!!!!!!! LOL! last month, I decided to throw myself into mass panic by making art my career. So far I’ve opened up an Etsy shop, published a website, sold one painting to a family member, a print of another painting to a friend, and now I’m working on getting my business license. I’m also going to try to get booths at some local fairs so that’s why I needed the license. Hubby is helping me the entire way, but I’m still in charge of posting about my stuff. God how I hate promoting myself!! It’s one giant anxiety nightmare because I am more terrified by the silence than rejection. But promote it here I have! So there’s that!

Been working on a bunch of different paintings and illustrations. Basically, I’m trying to find my path, as usual. Mentally, I’m getting better. Feeling stronger, opening up more, and working harder at not continuing bad behaviors or routines. Meds seem to be working better now, health seems okay, and not missing sugar all that much………….well not AS much. Cutting sugar and junk really has helped so its hard not to acknowledge how I REALLY need to stick to healthier eating habits. But I’m still eating pizza!! I tried a Keto crust,……..and…….no. Everything else works out fine so far.

I don’t really have a clever witty way to end this post. But do I really have to be clever to just myself? I mean, I know that I’m legit cray cray, but does amusing only myself push me further in Crazy-town? Wait, is there a place called Crazy-town???!! Do they have mini golf or skee ball there? Is it called crazy because of the town or because of the people there? How’s the WiFi? Wonder if there are pibbles there that need a good home……….

Life moves pretty fast

Last I posted was the beginning of the year. I started my final semester, a new way of eating, and a new year in life. To quickly catch up on the state of the Strange Child, there’s been some changes.

I managed to lose 30lbs so far and the changes to my eating habits haven’t been as difficult as one would think. I didn’t realize how much of a sugar addict I was until I removed all that was “naughty” from my cupboards. I’ve experimented with substitutions for things I used as staples (rice, pasta, potatoes), to more low carb options (cauliflower “rice”, sweet potatoes) that were successful. Other substitutions, (zoodles) that didn’t work out so well. I’m feeling better, but I need to make an appointment to get new bloodwork done. For now, its continuing what I’ve been doing.

Another development recently was a new addition to the household! We adopted another dog, who’s ridiculously adorable!! She’s two years old, a pibble mix we think, and is a bit of a “special needs” dog. She was born with a deviated palette and a deformed lower jaw so her tongue hangs out all the time. She also snorts loudly like a pig, which is why we named her Pigby. She requires only a little bit of extra help in that she has to be cleaned up after when she eats or drools, so she’s like a toddler that never grows up. Daisy and her get along great, chase each other and play. We’ve taken both of them out separately into public to see how they behave and both did very well. Daisy still has this need to smell all the things, while Pigby just wants to hang out and meet people. My babies are awesome!! Here’s a couple shots of my babies:

See???!! Cuteness overload triggering brain explosions!

Beyond being covered in pibble awesomeness, I am finally done with school. I will have my Bachelor’s degree in my hand at the end of the week. My parents are coming up to celebrate this weekend, friends are joining us as well to BBQ (provided Bay Area weather isn’t too bad) and with that, I’m done.  I’ll be starting to look for work and ways to continue making art, and hopefully selling it as well. I know I’m not interested in going back to making average pay, stuck at a desk, normal hair, and covering up my tattoos for a 9-5 where yes I’m appreciated but its just meaningless.

I am tired of being invisible. I want to be seen.

Alright Universe, you made your point!

“I’m fucking done with sadness, and I don’t know what’s up the ass of the universe lately but I’ve HAD IT. I AM GOING TO BE FURIOUSLY HAPPY, OUT OF SHEER SPITE. … I’m going to destroy the goddamn universe with my irrational joy…”- Jenny Lawson, from her book Furiously Happy

I got recent blood work done and as I see it, it’s the Universe finally smacking me so fucking damn hard in the back of the head to get my attention. The Universe sometimes needs to be a royal cunt about getting her point across, but she’s going to make it whether you like it or not. According to the tests, my hypothyroidism is still very much an annoying thing, but now I’m pre-diabetic. This means I’m now officially at a crossroads regarding my health that I, temper tantrum brewing within, must do something about my weight. I can’t ignore it.

Whenever I attempt to do something like this, my brain demons crawl out of their holes to lash out at EVERYTHING. The little bastards just fight every idea, zap whatever energy I have, and put up mental roadblocks all over the place. I swear, the fuckers even attach a 4000lbs boulder to my waist making it physically difficult to do even the tiniest of attempts toward my goal. Self-sabotaging twatgoblins!!!!

I’m already struggling against another bout of depression, one that’s drained me to almost empty. I got my MMJ card last year and a few nights ago my usual bedtime head conversations wandered over into a poorly lit area of my brain. It ran across Jenny Lawson’s book, Furiously Happy. In it was the above quote and, as if the weed had sprinkled glitter on the thought, it began to shine. I should be furiously happy too!! DEMENTEDLY HAPPY BITCHES!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *insert evil diabolical laughter*

There are at least four things to keep in one’s mind when starting this according to Lawson. Since I’m positive she and I could very easily be insanity twins, I believe I will be able to beat the balls off of the mental twatgoblins that live in my head. I mean, they never pay rent, leave their wet towels on the floor, and they keep licking the walls. Who licks walls??!! I’m sure they taste bad.

First, one should never apologize for loving the things you love. I love pop culture, weird oddities, and randomness. This one I pretty much already abide by willingly these days. Being 40 now, I openly taunt normalcy with my blue hair, my tattoos and piercings, and a love of costume jewelry and hair things. Hubby may roll his eyes at some of my choices, but he has learned in our eighteen years of being together that all he’s going to get in return is my pierced tongue sticking out at him.

Second piece of Lawson’s method is to fake it like you know what you’re doing. Hell, as an artist this is stupidly easy because honestly historically NONE of us know what we’re doing and art critics were only created in order to help bullshit the public into believing that we DID know what we were doing the whole time! If someone asks about why I’m doing something, I’ll bullshit my way out of it with my sparkling brilliance! Or my usual response, “Why not?”

Third nugget of Lawson’s wisdom is the hardest one for me personally as it’s one of my greatest weaknesses: it’s okay to fail and okay to retreat for a bit. Failing makes me spiral, as it’s connected to some of my abuse recovery as well as my ADD. But Lawson’s, as well as my therapist, advice is to listen to what my body is telling me, respect it, acknowledge my emotions, and don’t push myself too far. Little steps at my own pace makes the potential for anxiety lower. When I’m not feeling social and just want to burrow, I have to give myself permission to do this sometimes. Hubby knows now to not push too hard, yet knows how to make sure I don’t burrow too deeply for too long.

Fourth in the lineup is the most important thing to remember: never, EVER forget that you matter to someone, and that someone’s day is better for you being a part of it. Hubby loves to watch me be a dork, the oddball floating on a unicorn inter-tube down the Sea of Normal. We go to Dickens faire for his birthday, and this last one I attached my plush octopus Jose de Pulpo to my shoulder to go with my tentacle top hat. I kept getting compliments on Jose, especially by kids who I let pet Jose, and even helped another little girl attach her own octopus to her shoulder. Hubby remarked to me later that the best part of his birthday was watching how I lit up each time someone approached me. He said, “I know that I can cast a big shadow, and that often you’ve found yourself under it. But watching you get attention for being, well, you, was more fun to watch than anything else.” *swoon* Damn I love that man!

So I’ve decided to give the middle finger to feeling like shit stuffed inside a bag. I refuse to be sent back to where I was: unemployed…..in Greenland!! Wait,…………………………..no, that’s Princess Bride. Sorry about that. (turns TV down) I refuse to crawl into the hole my mother has, and most importantly I don’t want end up in a motor scooter. At the very least not until my nineties. When I’m stylishly old like Auntie Mame and throwing confetti around the most awesome old folks home. I am going to be scary happy! Hubby may end up wanting a dart gun that hits me with 100ccs of Thorazine under some notion that it will prevent my possible incarceration in a mental ward because of something I did at the grocery store, but I see that as further evidence of his love for me.

Forty is the new forty

I’m now middle age. *blinks* Yup, nothing different other than I’ll need to update my drivers licence photo next year.

New semester at school has begun. Learning to paint with oil paint which is just ridiculously annoying. Its like painting with cake frosting which would actually be better because then I get to lick the paint brushes and not risk poisoning myself with toxic stuff. Plus, cake frosting doesn’t smell horrible. And doesn’t have a risk of spontaneously bursting into flames either. Although, I’m sure that it could happen depending on what kind of frosting it is and who’s making it. I suppose that frosting made by a cartoon villain would be potentially  dangerous, especially if they were trying to outsmart say that annoying asshole Roadrunner. Seriously, that damn bird is just a troll that needs to be stopped! He’s such a prick!! Beep Beep motherfucker! I see you! I know you’re just trying to cause trouble so just run your feathery ass outta here!

Where was I?

Oh yeah, I got old. So Hubby gave me an awesome present by taking me down to LA for a day to have dinner with some dear friends that I haven’t seen in forever at my all time favorite restaurant. A place full of meat and tasty bad for you stuff!! I really wish I could find a place like it here in the Bay but sadly I haven’t. Had an evening of insane laughter, cute baby introduction, and MEAT!!! nomnomnomnomnomnomnomnomnomnomnom!! I developed a cold earlier in the week so I was a bit off due to my lungs having gunk and my ears being worn out from being irritated. But I managed to fight it off enough to ejoy myself this weekend. Had a very small get together the next night at the house with Bay friends so overall it was a fabulous weekend.

He asked me if I felt different at all being 40 and I really don’t. I mean, the new medication is most certainly helping keep the head weasels in check and I haven’t been feeling like I’m dragging a 4000 pound boulder everywhere with me, which is good. But I don’t feel like I’m great or even thumbs up, just …………………..fine. Meh, I guess its the best I could ask for right now. One step at a time.

My art work is improving, which makes me happy. I hope to start creating a website soon in order to begin actually selling stuff. Probably an Etsy shop too. If I’m going to make being an artist my full time gig, I have to actually be making it my job which means I’m throwing my entire fat ass at the process. Can’t lazy it up, gotta makes the dough. I’ll probably also work on creating some sewing items that I can make that I can sell at fairs or events. I may end up working on getting into those too. Whatever it takes.

Being now the dreaded “middle age” just means I’ve got shit that still needs to be done. People to wreck, places to do! And candy to devour! So much chocolate to consume! Age is just a number in the end. Its the life lived that matters.

Screaming Internal Head Monkeys would make a great band name!

Summer breaks really suck honestly. Like, they suck ridiculously massive sized bowls of dicks that are sucking other bowls of dicks, which makes for a disturbing image that now is probably going to haunt my dreams later. Let’s just say, there is a lot of sucking happening here people!!

For my summer art progress, I have managed to so far make one small fluid painting, and two color pencil drawings that helped me practice with the medium a bit. I’m now working on a Fiona Apple image that goes with my Tori Amos one I’m so in love with. I’m now, more then ever, convinced that I will need to get a studio outside the house that I can treat like a job that I go to because I NEED to not be just stuck here, mentally or otherwise. Better lighting, more space, and most importantly, OUTSIDE OF THE HOUSE!!!

I’ve got a bit of the Screaming Internal Head Monkeys today. I want to scream but its only going to freak out the dog and frighten the neighbors. Whenever I’m depressed AND bored, it becomes this toxic cocktail for my inner monologue. I feel like peeling my own skin off because its just twitchy and feels like its got things crawling around inside it. Body image issues blossom into ever so delightfully annoying mean girl voices singing a chorus of all the ways in which I suck. And finally, a cherry on top of this, I have too much mental energy that’s wrestling with my physical energy which feels like a 100 ton pound boulder chained to me.

So, to provide a visual representation of what my Screaming Internal Head Monkeys are making me feel like today I give you this:
giphy

Stupid asshole brain!! Just kinda want to randomly throw things or smash something. *sigh* Having ADD and depression fucking sucks, people!!!

I’ll be starting a new medication tomorrow. Yay. I have been taking Wellbutrin for several years now but noticed it wasn’t working as well. So my doctor decided to add Lexapro to see if it will boost my mood up a bit. Three months later and it hasn’t helped any. So I’m weening off the Lexapro and onto Cymbalta to see if that will help any. Was a bit annoyed to find out that my current insurance doesn’t cover my Adderall, so I’m going to be further off of it until next month when my new insurance starts. Then I can refill the prescription without having to pay over $100 for it!! (Oh, and go fuck yourselves Big Pharma and Insurance companies. You stink.) I also had to find a new primary physician because my previous one moved to a different office which has a membership fee of $149/ year, which I didn’t see as worth paying for. So found a new doctor closer to me and we shall see how she works out. I really liked my old doctor. She was so damn easy going! Oh well, maybe this one will be just as nice.

On a more happier note, I get to Lilymonster in almost a month. AND she gets to have grandma and grandpa time!!! I can’t wait to see her be the ball of joy that I love her for. Even though it’s only for a brief few days, seeing Mom having ALL of her grandkids around her will be worth it. I wish I had time to show her Star Wars or Labyrinth or something like that, but I don’t think it will work out. Another time I suppose! I just can’t wait to hug her and see her. That’s my joy at the moment.

I can’t figure out how to end this. I don’t have any kind of witty way or glitter bomb to drop that leaves this on an up note. So instead I’ll quote Bob’s Burgers:

“I was gonna hit you, but I’m holding wine!”